LILY WHITE

SIXTEEN

TOMMY

I hear Lillie-May scream.

I've been awake for a while now. I kept waking up at night after the dreams of her kept replaying in my unconsciousness.

I skipped breakfast, even after my mother asked me to come down, I declined and asked her to leave Lillie-May alone as well. When she asked me why I called her Lillie-May now, I almost cried right in front of her, but I couldn't cause my mother anymore pain. She has enough.

At times, I can still see the scars from my father. I keep a straight face every time, fake it for her. I haven't cried in front of her since I was little.

When I hear her scream, everything turns black and white, like I've just died. Everything turns upside down and sideways and panic strikes through me like lightning.

I run into Lillies room and check the beach outside. There, I see her. She holds herself in her own arms, and even though she's turned away, the movements in her shoulders tell me she's crying.
I watch her there for a couple more minutes. No one goes outside to help her. Her parents are home. They didn't even care that their daughter could be hurt.

It makes me want to go downstairs and tell Kota and Jezebel to get it together, to start taking care of their daughter, their own flesh and blood. I want to tell Kota to stop being selfish, to stop working for once, and tell Jezebel to get her head out of the gutter, that they should pay attention to the one person that they should love the most.

What I want the most is to go down there and hold her, tell her it's okay and that I'm sorry, that she can scream while I hold her. I can't do it, not if she doesn't want me to.

I went back to my room after seeing that she was okay, confirming it for a couple more minutes. My chest still feels tight from the scare.

I crash on my bed, the covers so soft and pillowy and it reminds me of what it felt like to sleep in her bed. I can't believe I took that moment for granted. I wish I hadn't fallen asleep or woken her up, so I could have more time with her.

Sometimes I regret that kiss, I think that I shouldn't have done it because then maybe she wouldn't have been so scared. We could've taken our time, I could have waited. Then, at the same time, I don't regret it, not really, because now she knows. Now, she has more time to figure out what to do. I couldnt have waited the whole summer.

I start hitting my head on my pillow, over and over again. Until my body started to hurt.

I wished I could tell her how I feel. I want more time with her, more opportunity to conversate. If I could do it again, I would do it differently.

I can't let all of this stuck inside of me. Not once in my life have I let out my emotions. I discovered that if I leave them bottled up long enough they will evaporate. Reality is that it's still there, and now with Lillie-May the jar that contains everything is overflowing.

Walking over to my suitcase, I grab a pen and I look through un-used dressers to find a piece of paper. I find an old green notebook with thick, un-lined pages.

Inside, I start to write:

Lillie-May

I know you said you never wanted to talk to me again, but I can't bear not talking to you now.
I know that what I write will never be those poetry books you read and it will never be as impactful as the music you make.
Still, I will try my best to get through to you, because I need you.
I'm sorry for being so forceful.
I'm sorry for trying so hard to be with you.
But, without you, I feel like there is no meaning anymore.
I can't find myself without you,
I will never know my purpose without you.
I know I said before that love wasn't exactly real.
but it is, I've seen it in you. I was mistaken.
I'll never live the same because you've shown me what it's like to see it.