LILY WHITE

TWELVE

TOMMY

She's fallen asleep next to me. We are barely inches apart, I could feel her breath on my skin as she spoke. I watched as her face relaxed and as her breathing slowed. It was satisfying.

I'm glad I apologized to her, even though I don't know if she heard it, I have faith that she did. It felt more genuine this time.

Now, I lay watching her. She is so perfectly relaxed, so gentle-looking. I count her breaths and match their rhythm, my eyes fill with awe as I study her face. She has the most perfect lips, the roundest eyes, even when they're closed, you can see the kindness in her face.

She looks vulnerable again, just like that first day I was here and I saw her sleep. Only this time I have even a closer view, one that I can look at even longer. There are no distractions, only my own tiredness closing in. But, I can keep looking at her for as long as I'm awake too and I am grateful.

My Lillie-May, I think, My Lillie-May whom I wasted too much time with.

I should've known her before, I can't imagine how much better my life would've been. I would've had something to look forward to every school-year, every single moment of my life would be waiting for the next summer. For the next time I could see Lillie-May.

Whenever my father laid his hands on me, I could've been thinking of Lillie-May, I could've stayed strong for her and not for whatever delusion I put myself under. Everytime I felt helpless, I could've been thinking of her.

She could've been my hope, what I lived for, my purpose.
My mind swirls around could haves and what ifs for minutes, my eyes don't close, all I think about is her.

I might be in love with her.

I am in love with her.

At the same time I never knew love. I've never known what it is like to be someone's favorite, to be adored in that way. All I've ever known was to close myself off to the world, how to fend for myself, to not let anyone hurt me like I've already been hurt.

But, I can recognize love in Lillie-May. Maybe I can learn to love through her too. Maybe we can love together, I hope we can love each other, because I will never have a chance to do so with anyone else.

She's all I ever wanted, all I've yearned for. My whole life I've been chasing for the feeling that she gives me. It's like a high I've been addicted to all my life but I've never experienced. She's given me that, given me my fix.

It's the feeling of my heart beating faster, my mind fluttering, my body gravitating towards her, like she's meant for me and my body knows it. It's only now that my mind has realized it too.

I wonder why I ever let myself hate her, why I let my father's words come between what could have been. He was a drunk that didn't know any better, but I was also a kid with no idea who else he should listen to. So, I let my judgment of her be based on solely what my father said. And it was one of my greatest mistakes.

I wonder how I'll tell her. She has to know. But, it pains me to know that she'll live differently forever.

I shove the concept down my throat and force myself to shallow it, to dwell on it later.

I've barely been blinking, barely moving, my arm half asleep while it stays under my head. I still look at Lillie, who hasn't moved an inch for the past few minutes.

The exhaustion starts to settle over me, making my eyes cover in a subtle blanket. I can still see the rays of the sun through my eyelids, I can hear the birds caw over the sound of the waves rustling.