LILY WHITE

NINETEEN

LILLIE

This morning feels off, as if everything has turned off it's axis. I feel different when I wake up, surreal, almost. It's because there's, again, another note under my door.
I only stare at it from my bed, it takes every bone in my body to not go and pick it up. My curiosity spikes, but my will is stronger.
I wake up and take a shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth. Afterwards, I put on a striped blouse and white shorts. I lay on my bed for a couple hours. Sometimes, I still cry, but it isn't as bad today.
I play and play and play my guitar, repeatedly I play melodies and notes and songs. I make new lyrics about disappointment, about love and loss, about the unreality that lies in between those words.
I think about what Sarah told me. She told me that Tommy really likes me, that I hurt him. I wonder if she knows, really knows that for sure. Or if she just wants someone she can trust with her son, someone that wouldn't hurt him like Jon hurt her.
Maybe that is the reason, but still, she is right. Tommy deserves someone good, maybe that's not me, maybe it is.
What I've noticed is that I'm extremely confused now. Even though I didn't exactly believe Sarah at first, now the words are finally sinking in.
Perhaps I was wrong, and Tommy too. Part of me still agrees that love isn't achievable, but it's still possible. If it's real, what if I have it and I'm just too blind to see that we could really be something?
It's complicated what I feel. It makes me feel like theres two different beliefs spiraling inside of my mindset, fighting for its spot. It's agonizing.
For so long I thought that I would never have something big and great, I thought I would live in a forced marriage while I wrote songs for myself and lived off my husband's money. It's what I accept, a sad and lonely life, living for no one but myself.
The last person I thought I would hope for was Tommy Romero. For forever, I thought he hated me, that he was just another person, one that just came and went every summer. He was nothing but a person, now he's a soul that needs my help. He still needs me to help him find his purpose.
But, I do have hope, hope for a future with passion and love. A part of me needs it, no matter how much I believed I didn't, how much I thought I could be content with a life full without connection, I did need it. I always have.
I don't know if I love Tommy, I know I could love him. What I'm afraid of is something to tear us apart, something that takes away what we worked so hard to have. My biggest fear is getting hurt that way, having something great and amazing and then having it all taken away in a second. That fear is deeply rooted in me, part of my identity, it is. It's why I never believed in anything great and amazing anyway.
Still that tortious part of me says no, you can't, it says you can't give up yourself for something temporary. It tells me to never let yourself get hurt, run away from any possibility and never come back.