Sex Education

Sonnet

May 1997

Mary would describe the feeling two and a half years out of Liam Gallagher's love orbit like this. The first 6 months was like a sharp knife gouging deeply into her skin. It stung. It was raw. It felt like there was a hole in her chest. His absence was all consuming. Then after the first year that pain was replaced by a dull ache. A throbbing migraine that would never leave her. After the second year he was like a memory you couldn't quite place haunting the edges of your waking, dreams and nightmares. She missed him. But having him back in her life as anything less than they had been would be impossible. She wouldn't do him the disservice of offering friendship when she'd refused to be part of his forever.

Their separation was made all the harder by them still being on the fringes of each other's existence. Ruby and Noel were still together. Engaged. Engaged to be married in fact. She ran the ivory invitation in her hand with a genuinely happy smile. She was happy for them. Without a hint of bitterness at her own mess of a love life. Ruby deserved this. Noel did too. It was something she'd never wanted for herself, hence why she was in this mess. So there were no ill feelings. Their friendship was still close despite the distance of thousands of miles. They called. They wrote. They flew to see each other. Ruby was on the phone to her right now actually.

"I got your invitation. Congratulations mate. It's in my hand right now. Fancy as fuck that is. No expenses spared. Big Noel G flashing all that platinum selling albums cash about eh?" She teased.

Silence.

"Mary...I didn't know how to tell you...the timing never seemed right. I wanted to support you and I completely understand if you...if you can't make it-"

"Oi! Fuck off! Ruby...I'm so, so happy for you. I'm not just saying that. I mean it. I love you. You're my best friend. Of course I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it."

Ruby gave a sigh of relief.

"Really? I don't want things to be awkward. He'll be there...best man you know...with his new fiancée."

Mary felt that dull ache ripple through her whole body.

"You're more important than anything else. I'll be there."

Ruby sniffled down the phone and Mary laughed.

"Fuck me. Are you crying?"

Ruby chuckled.

"Yes! Because I was so hoping to have you there. I've been freaking our about this whole thing. Noel's been amazing, so supportive. But he's got his limits. He's no help with all the decoration shite. You know how he is. He thinks all the flowers look the same. He hates dancing so first dance will be a disaster-"

"Ay ay ay. Stop. Breathe. You are marrying him because you love him. And want to love him forever. That's all that matters. Not the flowers or the music. But I'll help you. It'll all be beautiful. Tell me everything."

Ruby gave a long sigh of relief.

"There's no one I'd rather have at my side. On the day. If you'd accept. I just didn't want to push my luck with the whole situation."

Mary felt tears prick at her eyes. She knew how I portent it was for her to accept. Ruby had no mother or sister to help her through this. Mary was both of those things and more to her.

"Of course I will. Always tye bridesmaid never the bride just the way I like it!" She joked.

Ruby hesitated before laughing unsure if she was really joking.

Mary hung up after their long conversation feeling simultaneously lighter and heavier than before. She stood on the balcony of her apartment in NY. She'd enjoyed the chaos of the city when she'd been hurting. It was the perfect distraction. She'd been offered a promotion within Sony and She'd accepted in a heartbeat. She had no intentions of returning to the UK. Too quiet. Too small. Too close to him. And yet here she was planning to go back for her best friend's wedding. Where he was the best man.

Liam would describe the two and a half years Mary had been absent from his life as numb and chaotic. At times, even gut achingly painful. It was like being starving no matter how much you ate. Nothing worked. That gnawing pain in his guts was his body telling him he needed her. And yet she wasn't right for him. Not forever anyway. In every eventuality if a future he'd imagined for himself she'd been there. He'd had no idea how to reimagine his future. The finality of their goodbye still crushed him. They had no place in each other's lives now. At first their relationship was a convenience, then a friendship, then a sexual relationship, then love, then heartache, then strangers. He missed her he wanted her in his life. But as what? A friend? It'd be torture. He'd always want more.

He sighed shakily as he gazed at Patsy sleeping soundly next to him. An unexpected whirlwind he hadn't planned for or expected. He'd met her not long after he'd broken up with Mary and he'd been too sore from the break up to take their union as anything more than sex. She was stunning. Way out of his league. Classy. He'd recognised her from a film he'd seen once. He couldn't believe his luck she even gave him a second look. Patsy had helped him heal. And he'd helped her heal too. She was a little older than him. She'd been burned before too. She had a son and Liam was a large part of his life. He'd become a committed partner, a father and a fiancé all in the space of a year. Patsy wanted to settle down with him. The security he'd always desired she gave him freely. He was happy. Settled. Until he'd received Noel's wedding invitation. Mary wouldn't miss it. Not for Ruby. He'd see her again. And suddenly everything that was settled and happy in his life was turbulent.

Well... he'd say happy and settled life. For the most part it was. Patsy was loving, kind, beautiful...but she didn't make him feel the electricity there had been with Mary. Perhaps it was better this way. Healthier. But the hole in his heart that only Mary Crawford could fill was whistling sadly audible to only him. Like a smashed window as a storm gale blew through it. He got up and made his way to the shoebox at the bottom of his wardrobe. He checked over his shoulder to see Patsy was still asleep. He took the lid off and ran his eyes over the letters he'd written her but never sent since their parting. Two and a half years worth. He couldn't do this anymore. To himself. Or Patsy. It was stopping him from moving on completely. Which he would need to do. He wanted this wedding to be about Ruby and Noel not Mary and him. He was always afraid that Patsy would find them. And he knew that meant he was doing something he shouldn't. He put the lid back on and pushed the box and Mary far from his mind. He had an appointment to keep.

Liam and Noel stood in silence as measuring tapes were ran over their respective bodies.

"Look of you're not alright with this I get it." Said Noel quietly.

Liam frowned. He steadied his nerves.

"Of course mate. This is about you for once. I'll give you the spotlight for one day." He teased.

Noel looked at him with a tight smile.

"Cheers. But you know that isn't what I meant. I mean about-"

"Mary?" Liam asked. He was impressed to find his voice didn't cracked or shake as he said her name mirroring how he felt even at the mere mention of her. He was a good actor. Maybe he'd even foll himself into believing he had no feelings for her any more.

Noel nodded.

Liam shrugged.

"I'm with Patsy. I'm settled. So's she from what I hear. We've both moved on. It's one day. No big deal."

Noel hesitated but nodded. Liam's mind was made up. And he knew better than to argue with him so close to his wedding.

Mary looked out of the aeroplane window as the plane rose through the cloudbank. She hadn't been home in over a year. And had rarely been at home at all since the break up. She couldn't keep running from him. And their past. But she also hadn't ever imagined she'd need to face up to all of this at her best friend's wedding in a very public space alongside his new fiancée. Her stomach dipped queasily and it wasn't from the turbulence outside but inside herself.

AN: Sorry, thus took so long. Aiming for a Christmas finish with this. And think it'll be my last fic for a while (which I always say and never do). Next chapter we have the wedding. And then finally...finally it's onto '00 and beyond. Think there's under 5 chapters left in this guy I'd say.