Sad Poems

30.

before you make the first cut remember this:

you will enjoy this.

you will find the blood and pain release addictive.

even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep,

that heal easily,

they will get deeper.

they will scar.

they will sometimes take months to heal.

and years for the scars to fade.

if you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body,

think again.

it will spread when you run out of skin.

be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.

even if you are the most honest person ever to live,

you will find yourself lying to the people you love.

you will jerk back from your friends
when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.

you will be terrified that they will feel something under that cloth

of your shirt, or because it plain just hurts so much to be touched.

be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.

just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100

be prepared for your entire life to revolve around

thinking about cutting and covering up cutting.

and just wait till the first time you cut "too deep"

and you freak out because the blood won't stop..

and you feel yourself gasping

and you feel yourself shaking all over

you are having a panic attack and you are terrified,

but you can't tell anyone.

so you sit there alone

praying it will be okay, swearing you'll never let it go this far.

again..

but you will, and further.

don't worry, you'll learn how to take care of your cuts so that

you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.

and the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.

you will lie to yourself and justify if when you find yourself

spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go to the pharmacy.

you will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the

counter to ring up your order.

butterfly strips...

three or four different kinds of dressing..

betadine..

antibiotic cream..

medical tape..

scar reducers..

you will tap your foot impatiently,

hoping that the line will just move

and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things

and at the same time you secretly hope that someone will notice..

someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...

someone who understands, but of course that never happens.

medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend your money on.

long-sleep shirts in summer colors,
bracelets, wristbands, boots, gloves, the list goes on and on.

you will start looking at everyone in a different way...

scanning their body for any signs of SI...

just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.

you won't even think about it..

as your eyes scan their wrists and arms..

hoping, just hoping that they will be like yours..

but they are not.

you will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone..

you will start doing a lot of things alone.

you will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels..

you will always be cleaning up blood..

scrubbing your bathroom floor..

wiping the blood off your keyboard..

you won't be able to make it a day without cutting..

next thing you know you are in a public restroom somewhere breaking
open a scab with a sewing needle
that you keep in your wallet for emergencies

when you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool

scissors...
a car key...
a needle...
a paper clip...
even a pen...

doesn't matter what it is if you cut so bad enough, you will find something.

say goodbye to things you took for granted

like wearing shorts or sandals, pedicures, sleeveless tops

a normal summer day at the beach in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.

get ready to itch.

because you will itch and itch

so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease

you will become and expert on you body as you destroy it carefully.

you will dream about cutting,

it will haunt you day and night,

it will take over your entire life

you will wish you never made your first cut

because while you absolutely hate cutting,

at the same time you'll love it and can't live without it.