BUTTERFLIES I N THE DARK

HAPPINESS

"some people can't be pleased, others can. We are happy about those we please and work towards those we don't"

-Senzo Robert Meyiwa-

Michael De Montaigne said that happiness isn't a state of being, but little subjective moments that o e must strive for. But what if these little moments have broken

you, those little moments have taken every moment of happy and replaced it with sad. Your mum calling you a mistake, your body attacking itself, your colleagues calling you AN UGLY MOTH, your best friend's death, an attempt to take your own life. Can these moments bring you happiness?

Of recent in the first lady's nagging attempts to get close to me, she has often mentioned the fact that I never smile, an opinion which Irene shares. Personally, I see no use in wasting my cheek muscles on something that won't even come from my heart. My father who however believed it was a result of the experiences I had gone through (like he knows anything) and decided to get me a therapist.

I don't believe am sad , I have just come to accept the hurdles life has thrown at me so when I successfully got dragged to the best therapist in the country, I spent the entire two hour session staring at the beautiful African art on her walls while ignoring her questions and the woman had the guts to call me depressed.

To be depressed in my humble opinion is to feel low and trust me I don't feel low about anything, okay fine sometimes I feel like I don't contribute enough to the human race to exist but it doesn't mean I feel low it means I feel unfulfilled. Today when they dropped me off at therapist's office I decided to do something more fulfilling, I decided to visit mother.

The walk to the cemetery wasn't that hard since the grounds to the resting place of those without ancestry were very easy to access. I made my way to her grave and stared blankly at the grave stone it read "like you I once treaded the earth but like me to the earth you will return" she insisted that this be written on her grave, a reminder that death is real. It added Leilah Itabi mother, friend, and worker. As the tears sprang to my eyes I expected to feel sad and yes depressed but all I felt was acceptance of the fact that I had lost her to the earth forever. Ironically, in the distance I could make out the mines mama used to work in and something pushed me to climb towards the place that made and broken her at the same time. I treaded through the steep walkways to the gates of the mine, as modernisedas they claimed it was the flimsiness of the gate signifying the remnants of a colonial mine. The Askari gave me a peculiar lookas I confidently strode through to tour the site of destruction. No one gave me much attention at first but as I moved further towards the offices people started whispering probably courtesy of my dress code but deep inside I knew why I didn't belong. I knocked on the door of the manager and my reply came in a shout " we are busy" but I kept knocking regardless, in a while the door opened to reveal an old woman, I'll never forget her look when she saw me, a mixture of shock and curiosity after which was followed by a burst of questions on who I was. Of course I explained myself since I was immensely proud of whom I was. I asked her about my mum and she asked me to take a seat. Hers was a detailed account of a woman who was dedicated to everything she would do, and did her work with dedication though she knew of its environmental effects, she told of how sad she was to have lost such an aspiring woman.

I walked home knowing that the therapist had snitched and I was in trouble but I didn't care, I was happy for once due to one little subjective moment.