What Life Feels Like

What life feels like in your early 20s

Today I skipped a Chapter, I was supposed to write about what being a teen was like but my life in my teenage years wasn't that much of a ride. Well.. it was but it's currently 10 PM and just got off from work so I do not have the energy to make a coherent sentence about my teenage years. 

So, I decided and just realized that this online novel might be something that I can show to my children. So, why not write a few things I learned from my struggles and failures?

Anyways child if you are reading this then, I have overcome my fears of being in a marriage. 

Why am I afraid of marriage you ask? That's another story for another day. 

Right now at this very moment 06/11/2024 22:00 Indonesian time, I want to write about what early 20s feels like. 

To sum it up in a few words it is; lonely, confusing, and stressful. 

Early 20s is just hella confusing because you actually have options on what to do with your life. There is no school no class and nothing to guide you but, in a sense it is also liberating. Finally, we get to choose what we want to be. I was confused of what I wanted because all my life I have been asking the wrong question "What would mom and dad wanted me to do, how do I make them proud? How do I make it easier for them?"

If I ever made you feel that way please show me this e-book I wrote. 

- Accepting Our Past & Asking the Right Question -

All I can say is, it was never your job nor mine to please and make our parents happy (including you kid, my happiness is on me), no matter how much we try to please our parents there will always be a flaw that the emphasize on. That is simply how human beings work sadly. I forgot what the name of the theory is but we actually have 2 ways of understanding ourselves, through our own strings of thoughts and understanding of ourselves and through the lens and opinions of other people. 

Early 20s is the part where you see yourself through your own lens. It is full of asking "what do I want?"

this is the phase where I realized that I do not owe my parents happiness because I can never give it to them. 

I was busy doing what I thought would make my parents happy but never prioritized what I wanted, what I needed and who I was. Then your grandma died.. and I was lost because none of it actually mattered because well.. she's gone? So what was my struggle for? 

After her passing, your grandpa became someone bitter, he always was but without your grandma there was no one to stop his constant negativity and self pity. 

Then I realized, why did I put so much power into his words and harsh criticism towards me in the first place? I saw him and thought.. "Is this who I want to be?" 

First lesson Iearned during my early 20s - Never listen to people who aren't where you want to be in life. 

We might come from an imperfect family, or an imperfect picture and stigma from others but it does not define who we are. Remember, we are now free  (and always was actually..) to be who we want to be. Think of each day as a new start and a progress.. think of what small steps can you take to achieve what you want in life. Start with something as simple as asking yourself "what do I want"

Once you know what life truly means to you, trust me it is very much liberating! I no longer feel hurt by your grandfather nor friends who belittle me. I understand that I am ENOUGH FOR ME and I am progressing just at the best and correct pace for me. 

The first year your grandma passed away, I thought to myself.. damn other people still have their mothers. Damn, I am alone now I have no one to guide me, but everything happens for a reason. If your grandmother was still alive I would still be stuck trying to live my life the way my parents wanted me to.. I would still see myself as someone so little and worthless. Worse, I would have slit my arm at 21 when I was feeling suicidal. 

I am here now, because the pain made me stronger kiddo. I am grateful. So when you feel like giving up, don't.. keep walking, keep pushing, it will get you somewhere, it will make you open up new chapters. 

- People Leaving & Loneliness -

Early 20s also feels like you are in a canoe / kayak or whatever small floating thing you could think of, and you are slowly drifting into the ocean. 

The shore was crowded and full of people, you could see your friends when you started paddling just a little away from the shore. You know you have to paddle to get somewhere but as you see behind, the shore line is gone and no one can be seen anymore. 

You are alone, lost and nobody is around you. 

That is what early 20s exactly feels like. Friends you thought would stay with you forever will grow distant as they paddle in their own directions. 

Friends who you thought clicked so much with you would slowly feel like a stranger and will no longer tell stories you relate to or act the way you knew them back in high school. 

Everyone is changing, and friends who you knew best would now feel.. just not quite right. 

You start to feel like you are truly alone in this world and no one is there to witness you living in it. 

I do hope that I can be your witness kiddo, but I do not know what my past traumas might do to my parenting style. But, me in my early 20s will tell you this.. You are fine.. 

Being alone is also liberating.. It means no one cares! In a good way!

Less friends = less time wasted to think about others and more time to think about discovering yourself. 

I started picking up a lot of hobbies to find what I loved doing. And what do you know! turns out I like making crochets. 

I asked my friends a few times if they wanted to skate with me but no one showed up, so I went alone. It was super fun!! 

I had no one that liked Stray Kids (google it up, they were the pop stars of my time) so I went to watch their concert alone! why? because I know it makes me happy!

Again, no one is in charge of our happiness.. it is our own duty to do what makes us happy. We are here to witness our own life. 

It is also our duty to get to know ourselves better so we know what makes us happy. 

Eat unique foods, talk to strangers, do things you never did before! Get sick, get hurt, laugh, live, spin around, look at the sky and be thankful that the sun still rises, smell the rain on a wet dirt, giggle because you see a video of a hot guy with six packs. 

Just, be.. alive! 

Whatever shit life throws at you try not to sulk! try to ask yourself "what is God trying to teach me through this process" because nothing in this world happens without a reason. Even the bad things.. 

Even if you are married one day, you are actually still in charge of your own happiness. Make do with everything you have, not everything you don't have and I guarantee you that your life will be more joyful. 

Second lesson I learned in my early 20s is when faced with problems ask 3 questions;
- What do I want to change from this situation? 

- What can I do to change my situation even just a little bit 

- What lesson can I learn from this? 

Look around you! There are so many things to be grateful for! Gratitude will take you very far. 

Negativity will just drag you down! Think about what's next and never spiral down thinking about the problem! I learned it the hard way. 

Anyways I do hope this helps you navigate life even if just a little bit. 

much love, 

mom in her early 20s