Sun To Me

Smokin' and Cryin': Chapter 9

I still haven't left the house at all but I've been forcing myself to eat and sleep but it's progress. I just woke up and it was around late afternoon but I was laying in bed.

Kayla's POV

I decided to call NYFA to explain to them why Lexi was missing. "Hi, this is Kayla Vince. My friend Alexandria Jackson will be taking some time off. She's, um, not doing very well mentally and that she's grieving the loss of somebody and so I just wanted to ask if you'd excuse her and I could come pick up some assignments." I said to the person on the other line because they didn't tell me who they were. "I could excuse her but I think it's a good idea that she should just focus on herself before worrying about her schooling." She said. "Okay. That's fine. Thank you." I said then hanging up. "Hey. Is she up?" Skylar asked walking inside. "I don't know. She didn't come out. I called the school and they excused her." I told him and he walked to the room.

Lexi's POV

I heard footsteps but I didn't look behind me. "Hey. What time did you wake up?" Skylar asked. "Just a while ago." I said quietly. "Kayla told me she called NYFA, and they have you excused until you're ready to go back but absolutely no rush. I will even put in my own words to the dean, but I won't say what about." He spoke. "Okay." I said and he lied beside me holding me.
I fell back asleep.

I woke up and I heard a bunch of noise in the kitchen. Mom, Dad, Liam, Kayla, Mason and Skylar were all bonding.... laughing as such. "Hi, sweetie." Mom said and came to hug me. "Hi, Mom." I said awkwardly.

"Skylar made spaghetti with Bolognese sauce." Dad said looking impressed. "How are you feeling?" Skylar asked. "Better." I told him with a slight smile. Even though I wasn't, I didn't want them to worry. "Come sit, foods almost done." He said. I just forced myself to eat because I didn't want them to say anything to me. "Lexi, how are you feeling?" "Mom, not now. I just want to eat without everyone worrying about me. So please, let's just eat. I'm not in the mood." I told her and took a bite. "Mm, this is really good." I said. "I'm glad you like it." Skylar said then rubbed the side of my arm. I smiled.

They were all talking except me. "Sis, you sure you're okay?" Liam asked. "What did I say? Jeez, you guys don't listen, do you?" I asked then going in the room. I just sat on my bed feeling so stressed out by everything. "Hey." Skylar said coming in. I didn't say anything. "Lexi, I know that you're hurting and upset but really, it's gonna be okay." "Stop saying that! I'm so tired of hearing those empty words from you! You don't- you don't know what the hell I'm going through! I need much more than reassurances!" I told him. "Lexi, I'm just trying to help you and you keep pushing me away! All I've been trying to do is help!" "Well, it's not fucking helping right now! Ever since this happened, a voice in my head tells me that I did something to make me lose the baby but it won't tell me what! I feel so alone in this and you keep telling me it's okay but it's not, Skylar!"

"We can figure this out together if you would just let me in!" He said and I chuckled. "You think this is easy for me? I'm literally drowning in my feelings and that's all you can say? This is killing me! I'm so hurt and lost and everyone keeps pressuring me to do this and that and I'm so fucking fed up!" "We care for you! That's the whole reason why! Lexi, this is causing so many problems between us!" He said.

I start sobbing. "Why can't you understand how hard this is for me? I'm not trying to push you away but it feels that no one gets it!" He scoffs. "I can't do this with you, right now." He said walking out. "Go then! I'm sick of your reassurances! All of you!" I said then going back and slamming my door.

Kayla's POV

We heard the whole thing. Skylar left extremely upset. Eve tried going to Lexi's room. "I think it's best you let her cool down. She's going through a lot and it's probably best she's alone for a while." I told her. "I suppose that is best. We'll see you all tomorrow." She said. Me and Mason said bye.

Lexi's POV

I practically cried myself to sleep and I woke up around five. I went outside and I was still upset. I lit up another cigarette and I just replayed everything in my head and started crying. All this vulnerability and anger in me made me the worst version of myself.

(A/N: almost every chapter is a song so if you wanna listen to it, it's Smokin' and Cryin' by Alex Roe. He's not the actual artist but I like it LOL)

A week later

I was still feeling the way that I am feeling but I decided to go to school. "Where are you going?" Mason asked. "School." "You're not worried about seeing Skylar? He is your mentor." "Please, I actually feel like having a good day today." I said then leaving. It was my last class which is obviously Mr. Gillard. Dean was already sitting down but I didn't say anything. "And she returns. Where were you?" He asked. "Why do you think you have the need to know? You're not my boyfriend." I told him. "Got it." He said. Mr. Gillard was passing out assignments. "Ms. Jackson, did you get the chance to tell your father I said hi?" He asked. "No, he's in the city though. I've been going through a lot and haven't gotten the chance to tell him." "I'd tell you it's okay but you hate reassurances." Skylar said then descending the stairs and I scoffed. "Maybe I'll reach out to him myself and arrange a meeting." He said. "That's probably a good idea." I told him and he continued. "Coward." I mumbled while looking at Skylar.

"You broke up again?" Dean asked. I looked at him and he turned away. I wasn't paying attention to anything the both of them were saying. I was just playing with my pen. Class was done and I headed to the library. I spotted The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. I loved the movie so I decided to get it. I checked it out and Skylar came right in front of me basically bumping into each other. "Excuse me." I mumbled then walked away. I stayed at the library to read since Kayla and Mason would probably be bugging me. Or even my parents or Liam. I saw someone standing over me. I looked up and it was Dean. "Hey." I said. "Hey, what are you reading?" He asked and sat down. "The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas." I told him.

"Like the movie?" "Mm-hm." "Lexi, I'm sorry for sticking my nose in your business. It's basically how I grew up." He said and we chuckled. "Me and Skylar didn't really make it clear that we broke up. We had a huge fight and it was different from the last time so I don't really know." I told him. "I'm sorry." "It's fine. It's basically my fault. I lost my baby and I threw all my anger on my friends and my family." I told him. "You were pregnant?" "No.." I told him and he chuckled. "Well, I'm sorry about that too. It must be really hard." "It is. I've just been...not myself as of late anyway. It's fine though." I said.

"It's not fine. You're grieving the loss of your baby. Did you talk to anyone?" He asked and I shook my head. "Well, if you want to take me up on that, whenever but it's totally your choice. Maybe go eat somewhere too. But not specifically in that order." He said. "Thanks. It's nice talking about this. It's just that I feel like no one understands how sad I feel. I now have this vulnerability inside of me and it's slowly killing me." "My sister went through the same thing, I'm not comparing but it was hard seeing her like that." He said.

"How long ago was that?" "About two months ago." He added. "She made it that long, huh?" I asked and he snickered. "Fortunately." He said and we laughed. "What's the book you're reading?" I asked and took it out of his bag. "The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris." I said reading it. "It's honestly a fascinating exploration of human behavior through the lens of evolutionary biology. The book examines the similarities between humans and other primates, focusing on our biological and evolutionary roots. Morris discusses various aspects of human life, including mating, parenting, and social structures, arguing that many of our behaviors are influenced by our animalistic instincts. It's a thought-provoking read that challenges conventional views of human nature. Have you read it, or are you thinking about picking it up?" He asked. "No, I was just wondering. You know a lot about it though." I said and he chuckled. "Yeah. I've had that for a while." He said. "I can tell. What a beat up book." I said and he laughed.

Mason and I went to Veselka. "This is absolutely our thing now." He said. "Hey, I haven't seen Evander for a while. Where is he?" I asked. "He went to Italy for a small vacation but he actually should be back now." He said. "Oh." I said. I saw Skylar walking on the street and I looked at Mason right away, acting like I didn't see him. "You're still not talking?" He asked me. "Nope. He was being a complete ass in school today. Anyway, did my parents go there?" I asked. "No. Why?" "Nothing. Was just wondering." I said.