Passion and Pain | rafe cameron

chapter twelve

months have passed. 

i fully moved back into the chateau. 

jj stays with me all of the time because he couldn't bare to face his dad after stealing the boat. 

kie and pope's parents became extra strict after the john b and sarah died. they're are only allowed to see us for a couple hours on the weekend and when pope picks us up for school. 

kie, pope, and jj didn't really care about sarah but why would they? they didn't see her the way i did. 

john b's death hit us all hard. i didn't leave his room for a week straight. and still i won't let anyone go in it. his room is untouched from the last time he went in it and it will stay that way. 

we carved a spot for him in the large tree outside the house. just to show that he's always with us. always watching over us when we hang out around the fire pit. i added "sarah" into the bottom of the heart one night when i was out there alone and missing my best friend. i know john b appreciates to see i care so much for her too. 

i cried for weeks. i cried until i had no tears left. i cried until the summer was over and we had to go back to school. 

i would have never gone but pope said cps would be drawn to me if i stopped going. so we all went. we all tried to distract ourselves. but part of us was missing. we all lost a family member that night. 

anytime i saw wheezie in school i would give her a hug because i know the pain of losing a sibling. wheezie never did anything wrong, she just had a tough family. 

rafe stopped over often, surprisingly. initially, he would only come over when he had seen that everyone else had left the house but now he has lightened up slightly. i tell him everyday, he has to deal with seeing them because they are my family and that's all i got now. i refuse to see the rest of the cameron family, i would never willingly go to that house again. if i saw ward i am afraid i would do and say things that i do not want to rehash. 

rafe spent most nights with me. i mean we would kiss but mostly we would just talk or he would stay with me so i didn't feel so lonely. it's not like john b and i shared rooms or anything but it was a different type of lonely. a lonely like i needed rafe to be with me when the pogues weren't and he got that. we would talk about everything and anything. he became one of the closest people to me. he understood me like the others couldn't.

he didn't feel the loss like the rest of the pogues did so he was available to help me when no one else could. he lost a sister but he never connected with her like we did with john b.

it has been months and i felt like john b died yesterday. losing a twin is literally like losing your other half and i now have to learn how to live as half a person. 

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today i am determined is going to be a good day. 

i wake up in my comfortable queen size bed with a warm body spooning me. rafe slept over again. jj hated when he did and i have been trying to get rafe to go home most nights but i always fail. jj and rafe still fight regardless of the time that rafe has spent at the house with us. they never seem to make up. jj always remembers the countless amount of times that rafe, topper, and kelce has beaten him and his friends up and then rafe always retaliates saying it was for good reason. the arguing is annoying but at least that's one constant i can always rely on.

rafe thinks i'm going to spiral if he isn't there to monitor me but honestly i don't mind it. it makes me feel safe when he's beside me in the mornings. i think rafe uses my problems as an excuse not to go home. he never admits to it but he hates going home now. his dad is still angered over sarah and mourning her loss while neglecting rose, wheezie, and rafe. rafe still loves his dad so much that it hurts me. ward is such an awful man and his son still wants nothing but his respect and love which he is not going to get. i try and do everything i can to show rafe i care for him but it's a different kind of love that he craves from his parent.