Rasputin's Online Journal: 2024-2025

November 7th, 2024: A Quick Introductory Entry

Being a writer has always been a dream of mine which is surprising when you consider the fact that I haven't written anything in so long. I'm trying to remedy this problem by starting the online journal you are reading right now. Hopefully, just writing my thoughts and the events that have transpired recently will get me back into the flow of writing.

I used to write a lot back when I was in Reedley College, a community college located in the San Joaquin Valley. I'd write everyday (nothing that was ever good though) and I was happy. I then joined the California Conservation Corps (CCC) after getting my associate's degree in English and Philosophy in 2022. I thought I'd write a lot while in the Cs, but I haven't even done any creative writing since joining. I've kinda lost my creativity since joining this work program. The only thing I really think about these days is money. I just worry about investing and saving for the future. I joined the CCC to save for college and I've done a good job at that, but worrying about money has just made me a shell of who I once was. I've always feared that I would end up a failure in my adult life and I've always thought that wealth was a measure of success, so I've just thought for awhile that if I have a lot of money, I won't be a failure; I still believe that if you want to know the truth. I know it's wrong, but I can't help but to put my effort into being rich one day, because that's what I believe will make me happy. The truth is that money isn't what'll make me happy, it's the thought of other people thinking that I'm successful that'll make me happy. I need to get over that, I know- I know.

Anyways, this journal will hopefully help me remember what's actually important to me- writing- and help me be creative again.

***

I'm at a weird point in my life at the moment. I just got out of the Backcountry Trails Program (BCTP) a little over a month ago. The BCTP had me working out in the wilderness for five months without technology or any contact with the outside world except through letters. I was in the Yolla-Bolly wilderness, the Shasta-Trinity wilderness, and the Klamath. I met some pretty cool people that I'm sure I'll tell you more about in the future.

Truth be told, the BCTP wasn't that life-changing for me. The people who sell you the idea of the BCTP always talk about how it's super life-changing and I just don't feel it. I'm the same ole Raz I was before I entered. I still lie in bed with my phone in my left hand and my penis in the right hand. Sure, I'm more disciplined now and I'm more okay with being uncomfortable, but I put my life on hold for an extra year just to do the BCTP and I'm still not sure if it was worth it. I was planning on attending Fresno State this year, but I decided to apply to do the BCTP because I felt like it was something I needed to do. I never had a "rite of passage" and I thought the BCTP would be that, but it didn't. I think the CCC in general did that for me.

Anyways I'm at a weird point, because I'm out of the BCTP, but not back in college. I'm still in the CCC just kinda killing time until I go back to college. I was planning on leaving in mid-December, but I was told that I was getting sent to Stockton, CA next week for a fruit bug emergency and if I don't enjoy the emergency I might just leave the CCC earlier. Basically I'm going to Stockton to look at fruit and make sure there's no invasive bugs in them. They'd have me out there for about a month, but we'd come back to our center on weekends. I'm not too excited about this, because I really wanted to spend my last few weeks here in San Luis Obispo (SLO) at the CCC Los Padres Center and just hang out until I left. By "hang out" I mean just work a regular ten hour day then spend my offtime just dicking around on my phone and going for walks.

There's nothing keeping me here at the Los Padres center, all the friends that I've made in the CCC are gone. They're doing their own thing (better things) and I'm still here after two years. The relationships in the Cs are transient in nature though, but I still made some good friendships that I miss. One of them was a girl with autism who became my best friend fairly quickly, but we had a pretty big falling out right before I left for backcountry; I'll tell you more about her some other time. There's also a Russian fellow whose presence I really enjoy. We met in October of 2022 on a project that had me cutting brush in a dry creek bed with a Stihl chainsaw. The Russian fellow and I would go to the Palm Theatre in SLO every week to watch whatever old movies they were showing; those were some of my favorite memories in the Cs. He's getting his citizenship soon and I'm pretty happy about that. I miss that guy. There's so many other people that I want to tell you about and I will in time.

***

This first journal entry isn't as good as I wanted it to be and I apologize. I just want to have some sort of presence online. I promise my entries in the future will be a lot better. I'll talk more about things that have happened recently and less about the past, but I just wanted to do a quick introduction for you. I leave for Stockton this upcoming Veteran's Day. I'll try to write about my trip to Stockton soon or maybe I'll tell you more about backcountry or the CCC. I'm not sure, I guess it depends on what I feel like at the time. Thanks for reading, I'll have something with more substance for you soon.