There were exactly twenty-six steps between my desk and Dave's IT corner. I counted them while speed-walking, clutching my empty coffee mug like a lifeline. The mug said "World's Okayest Writer" - a gift from June last Christmas. The irony wasn't lost on me.
"Dave!" I whispered-shouted, approaching his desk. "I need email magic. Now."
Dave didn't look up from his screen. "There's no such thing as email magic, Romeo."
"There has to be. You're IT. Make it... un-happen."
"Un-happen?" Now he looked up, grinning. "Is this about the birthday chain?"
"You know it's about the birthday chain. You know everything. You're like the NSA but with better snacks." I gestured at his drawer of imported Japanese Kit Kats.
"First, those are private snacks. Second..." He turned his screen toward me. "Look at this."
To: ALL
From: June.Mills@metropolismag.com
Subject: Re: Birthday Planning Committee
Time: 7:35 AM
Since we're planning my birthday, can I request the Magnus's Revenge pastry?
I like a pastry with a backstory.
Also, Romeo, your recall attempts are showing up in my inbox.
All 17 of them.
They're getting increasingly desperate.
The last one just says "please" in four different languages.
-June
---
"Oh god." I slumped against Dave's desk. "Can you at least delete the recalls?"
"Those are like digital breadcrumbs of panic. They're beautiful." Dave unwrapped a green tea Kit Kat. "Want one?"
"I want death."
"Dramatic." He typed something. "Look, technically I could try to-"
Another email popped up.
To: ALL
From: Sarah.Wong@metropolismag.com
Subject: Re: Birthday Planning Committee
Time: 7:37 AM
June, ignore Romeo's last recall attempt.
The one in interpretive ASCII art.
He's been up since 4AM planning this.
Romeo, stop trying to hack the system.
Dave, stop letting him try to hack the system.
Gil, I can see you stress-eating Sarah Lee's birthday cupcakes.
Meeting in 5? Break room?
We might as well coordinate now that the ferret's out of the bag.
-Sarah
---
"I wasn't trying to hack-" I started.
"You googled 'how to delete sent email Outlook please help urgent' seven times in two minutes." Dave pointed at his monitoring screen. "It's logged."
"That's not hacking. That's desperate research."
"You also tried to email support@universe.com."
"I was reaching out to higher powers!"
My phone buzzed. Gilbert.
"Break room. Now. Bring your shame and what's left of your dignity."
"That's not much."
"We'll work with what we have."
I looked at Dave. "Come with me?"
"Can't. Someone's trying to email the universe." He turned back to his screen. "Also, June's heading to the break room too. She just grabbed her mug. The one with the cardamom puns."
"She has a cardamom pun mug?"
"You bought it for her birthday last year. It's in your Amazon history."
"Stop knowing things!"
"Stop making your password 'JunesBirthdayMonth' with predictable number variations."
Another email pinged.
To: Romeo.Kingston@metropolismag.com
From: Lars.Danish@bakery.com
Subject: Magnus Update
Time: 7:40 AM
Romeo,
Magnus saw your email chain. (My wife works at your magazine.)
He's disappointed but not surprised.
The pastries will still be ready Tuesday.
He suggests the Revenge flavor.
It comes with extra cardamom.
Best,
Lars
P.S. Magnus says your pie charts need work.
---
"Even the ferret is judging me," I muttered.
"If it helps," Dave offered another Kit Kat, "June's been smiling at her phone for the last ten minutes. My cameras caught it."
"That's both creepy and oddly comforting."
"Welcome to IT." He shooed me away. "Now go. Break room. Face your cardamom-scented destiny."
I took three steps before turning back. "Dave?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you at least delete the ASCII art recall? The one where I tried to make a crying face out of semicolons?"
"Already archived it for the company newsletter."
"I hate you."
"I know. The cameras caught that too."
My phone buzzed again. This time from June.
"The crying semicolons were creative."
"But your Danish sounds better."
"Break room?"
I stared at the message, then at Dave, who was already grinning.
"Go," he said. "And Romeo?"
"What?"
"Your next password better not be 'MagnusTheJudgmentalFerret2024'."
I deleted the password draft from my notes app and headed to the break room, wondering if Lars delivered to editorial meetings...
***
Want to know what happens next? Read the full chapter on my blog, The Knight's Quill.
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