Carved in Her Bones

Then-Rhian

It was almost like I was ten again. My diet changed and became regimented—processed food was out, no unnatural sugars. Mama made it even stricter with regular exercise.Joey had been in the hospital for a week for assessments, so I wasn't needed yet. I'd given blood, but the doctors said I might have to give him part of my liver, maybe a kidney, or even bone marrow. I was prepared for that in some way.

I prepared the only way I knew how—I shut down emotionally and operated in a clinical state. I ate, went to school, read obsessively. Books became my escape. In my mind, I was somewhere else, a place where Joey wasn't sick, where I wasn't giving parts of myself to keep him alive. Mama moved into the hospital with him. I went back to school, and the first day was almost normal. For the first few periods—English, Math—it was as if Joey wasn't sick. I was relieved to be back.Then lunch came around, and Bronagh brought it up. "Will you be donating stuff again, Rhian?""Yeah, looks like it," I answered, chewing on the cheese toastie Dad had made for me. It was the only thing edible he could cook. When Aoife joined us, she quickly changed the subject to an away game the hockey team was having. I liked that about Aoife—she subtly looked out for me. She and Bronagh were on the hockey team.

I was terrible at hockey any sport really apart from Tennis—i was too passive, not aggressive enough for group in contact sports—and by Year 1, music had taken over my schedule."Who are you playing?" I asked, though I wasn't particularly invested. "Dominican Convent girls," they answered together.They had this rivalry with the DC girls, mostly because of their embarrassing losing streak against them."We have a chance this time, Rhian," Aoife said, her passion infectious. "Their right wing transferred to some school in Dundee, and their center graduated last year."I admired Aoife's dedication to hockey. It gave her something to focus on, something to care about besides the mess our lives had become."When is it?" I asked, just to have something to say. But in the back of my mind, I knew I might be too distracted to watch them play. Too preoccupied with Joey. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. We went our separate ways, and I headed to Physics. Aoife and Bronagh didn't take Physics.During class, Dad texted me. He was outside waiting. I didn't know why, but I could feel the tension building. Then, moments later, the PA system crackled, and Sister Hanna's voice echoed through the room: "Rhianon Howells, please report to the Headmistress's office immediately."Everyone turned to look at me. I wasn't the kind of person who got called out often, so the attention was... uncomfortable. I stuffed my books into my bag and walked across the quad to the office.The school used to be a convent, and they'd added buildings over time when they made it into a proper school. The senior and junior blocks were separated by the quad, and the admin block sat next to the old convent. It wasn't far, but I dragged my feet anyway.Dad was standing outside the office when I got there. He didn't say anything—just motioned for me to follow. We didn't speak the whole way to the hospital. I didn't need to ask. I already knew.Nothing about the hospital was remarkable. It was just sterile and routine. I walked through the pediatric wing to Joey's room. When he saw me, he smiled—but it wasn't the usual smile. It was his "I'm sorry, I'm doing this to you again" smile. Mama was on the couch, reading a medical journal."Thandi, sweetie, did you have a good time in school?" she asked, looking up from her magazine. Joey hadn't forgiven me for telling them what the doctors said, but Mama... she seemed to have accepted it. She was buried in those magazines, trying to keep it together."Yeah," I said, forcing a smile, as a nurse walked in."Hello, beautiful," Joey greeted the nurse, sitting up in bed. As always, he shamelessly flirted with the staff.I glanced at my phone. Aoife had texted in our group chat with Bronagh."Yeah, giving blood today," I responded quickly.Mom continued, explaining that the doctors were going to cut out most of the cancer, so they needed some blood.It didn't take long—maybe an hour—and Dad drove me home afterward. We didn't talk. When we got back, Mrs. Haug was there waiting.

By week five of Joey's hospital stay, Mrs. Kim was back again full time now.Mrs Kim was kind in a mature and smart way. When i seemed distracted she would bring up something scandalous she did in high school back in South Korea. I was being homeschooled, which I didn't mind much, but I missed my friends. They came a few times after school in the first week, but after that, their visits became infrequent. I'd made friends with an American girl who was in the hospital with Joey. She made me call her "Blue" because of her blue hair, which she said would fall out in a few weeks. But calling her Blue would remind her of it.

When I wasn't with Mrs. Haug or Mrs. Kim, I was with Blue and Joey at the hospital. I had a feeling Joey liked her.

Blue liked to read what she called the "scandalous news of the hot and healthy"—Teen People. I liked the way she didn't seem depressed by it all. She was always happy and unusually comfortable talking about death. She often said "when I die" instead of "if I die."

One Saturday afternoon,  a few days after I'd given Joey  a part of my liver, I was in recovery and staying at the hospital with him, but in a different wing. I walked over to the resident cafeteria, which was where people with terminal or long-term illnesses had meals if they could get out of bed. Joey was sitting with Blue, and she asked him, "Who are you most worried about when you die?"

I held back, just to hear Joey's answer.

"When I die—which I hope is soon," he said, "I'm most worried about Rhian. She's too comfortable being invisible, and I won't be there to put her into the spotlight where she belongs."

I went back to my room, thinking about what Joey had said. "When I die," not "if." It made me sad. Sad that he was hoping to die, and sad that he thought that about me. It was a sharp sadness, and I cried into my pillow. When I couldn't cry anymore, I watched The Vampire Diaries and imagined I was Caroline.

After two week i went back home. but joey stayed and so did mama.