Carved in Her Bones

now-Rhian

It felt too juvenile to call what I felt for him love—there was something deeper about it, something I couldn't put into words. Being with him felt effortless, as easy as breathing, but being apart was like drowning, a constant, overwhelming panic.And here he was right next to me and I found myself mesmerized by how beautiful he looked when he slept, so peaceful and serene."You're staring, baby. It's creepy," he said, opening his eyes slowly and giving me a sleepy smile."I have questions. Lots of questions," I said, not missing a beat.He sat up, leaning against the headboard, facing me. "What kind of questions would you ask me at 5 in the morning, beautiful?""Wait, I need to grab my book." I ran down to the study to get my journal, feeling a rush of excitement to ask him everything I'd been wondering about.He laughed softly when I settled back into bed, journal and pen in hand. "How many women have you been with?" I blurted out, already knowing I was getting to the heart of the matter."I don't know. I never counted. But not a lot.""How many serious relationships have you had?""Uh, just the one.""Tell me about her.""Rhian. You. The one." He said it with such sincerity that I smiled."Food. What do you like to eat?""Anything you make.""Okay, cop-out answer," I teased."No, really. It's the truth.""Books. What's your favorite?""I don't really have a favorite, baby. But I loved *The Lord of the Rings* growing up, and also *The Merchant of Venice*.""Shakespeare's *The Merchant of Venice*?""Yeah.""You're such a softie, Tomas. A big romantic," I said, teasing him. "I love *The Merchant of Venice* too. What else?""Don't laugh, but I loved *The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire*."I couldn't help but laugh. "My grandpa Howell read that to me to put me to sleep.""Tell me about him," Tomas said softly, his tone sincere."He was a big softie, but he passed away when I was young. He smoked too much and drank too much. I don't think he was a happy man.""And your grandma?""Grandma Howell was a lovely human. You wouldn't tell when you first meet her, but she's kind, classy, elegant. Very opinionated, and she has no problem letting people know. She passed two years ago."He nodded. "I'm sorry.""What are you afraid of?" Tomas asked, catching me off guard.I paused, taking in his question. "Youve asked me this before but my answer had changed...This. Us. It scares me.""Why?" His voice was gentle, coaxing me to open up."Because I'm afraid this will be one of those intense relationships that lasts for a few months and then burns out. I'm afraid if we break up even for the right reasons that i wouldnt be able to move on from you""Have you had one of those intense things before?" Tomas asked, his curiosity piqued."Yeah, but not like this. In high school, I'd form these intense friendships, and then one day, I'd just wake up and stop wanting them. I wouldn't even miss them, not in the way that matters.""And you think that'll happen with us?" Tomas asked, sounding almost confused."Maybe. Yes, and no," I said, struggling to explain it."That's confusing," he said, his voice gentle. "Explain.""I've never felt like this for anyone, Tomas. And I'm convinced you'll grow out of this relationship. I'm not worried about me growing out of it, just you. This feels like the universe making me pay for all the friendships I let fizzle out."He took a deep breath. "So, what you're saying is, you're afraid I'll leave because you were a shitty friend in high school?"I looked down, embarrassed. "Basically, yeah."Tomas cupped my face gently. "Listen to mebaby .There wont be any breaking up, I won't leave you. Not now, not ever. Not in this lifetime.""What if you get bored of me? What if you stop finding me attractive? Or just decide to leave?" I couldn't shake the fear from my voice.He stared at me, his eyes serious. "What's with this 'leaving' talk, Rhian? I'm not leaving you. Look at me baby..... I would never choose to exist in a world where you aren't mine. Unless... are you planning on leaving me?"I felt my heart tighten. "You haven't said 'I love you' since Spain."He smiled softly, pulling me close. "Baby, look at me. I've loved you from the moment I met you. And I'll never stop. There's nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any less."I blinked back tears. "So, if I cheat?""Thats not funny, Rhian, i wouldnt survive in prison" he said, his tone firm but gentle.I laughed " you'd kill me for cheating"

"No baby , i would kill him but jury is still out on you " he laughed, that genuine deep laugh of his

"I would kill you if you cheated on me though" I said matter of factly

"Oh really , how would you do it? "

"Well, i have been thinking maybe cynade poisoning  since its cleaner or maybe  stab you to death, cut you into small pieces and dissolve yoou in acid. Havent decided yet"

"Rhianon Thandaza Howells, you are a homicidal freak and i am completely, utterly in love with 

"Okay. Tell me about the first time you thought you were in love."

He leaned back against the headboard, his eyes thoughtful. "I'll tell you about the first time I thought I was in love. I didn't know it wasn't love until I met you.""Tell me," I encouraged him."It was first year at uni. My Polish wasn't great, and I felt stuck in the middle—too Polish for the foreigners, not Polish enough for the Polish people. This girl named Simona came up to me after class. She was half Polish, half Spanish. We started dating, and at the time, I thought I was in love with her.""What happened?" I asked, intrigued."She went to Switzerland for an internship. I went to London. We just sort of forgot about each other. I didn't miss her—not in the way that mattered.""How do you know you won't have this same conversation with your next girlfriend?" I asked, my voice shaking with uncertainty."There won't be a next girlfriend," Tomas said firmly, his eyes never leaving mine. "The way I feel about you, Rhian... it's otherworldly. I'm proud of it. I've never been so completely consumed by someone, but in a real way, not in the way romance novels write about it. I will show up for you. I'll defend you—even when you're wrong. I would give my life for yours."I felt the tears welling in my eyes. "You're going to make me cry, Tomas."He brushed a strand of hair from my face. "Why did you stop playing?" he asked softly."When Joey died, I didn't know how to be myself anymore. He was my best friend, Tomas. I didn't know who I was outside of being Joey's sister. He taught me to play piano, to drink, to ride a bike. After he died, I felt lost. Piano just reminded me of the wound he left.""Joey's your brother, right?""Yeah," I said softly. "He passed away three and a half years ago.""I'm so sorry, Rhian," Tomas whispered, his voice full of empathy.I nodded, feeling the grief still raw. "It's okay. I survived it."He smiled, his eyes tired but warm. "Is it my turn now?""First kiss?" I asked with a grin."Tadgh, third form," I said.Tomas smirked. "I knew there was a reason I didn't like him."I laughed. "Honestly, I didn't think kisses or touch would ever be enjoyable until I met you.""Explain," he said, his voice low."With Tadgh, I never wanted him to touch me the way he did. I hated kissing him. I thought it would get better with experience. But then I met you, and my body just knew what to do. Your touch  and stuff feels really good. ""And stuff?" Tomas raised an eyebrow, a teasing smile on his face."Yeah, you know what I mean," I said, my face flushing."What else did you and Tadgh do?" Tomas asked, his tone playful."Not as much as you and... Simone, or probably a lot of other women you've  bedded" I said, my voice light."Bedded? Baby, no one says that," Tomas laughed. "And there weren't that many."I grinned. "Were you safe? I mean, I don't want to, like, catch something."He laughed again. "Rhian, this is a first for me too. I had myself tested three months ago. Nothing to report.""Cool," I said, relieved. "I got tested for an internship. Full medical check-up."Tomas smiled at me, then began telling stories about his dad, Marco, and the things his mom didn't like him learning. I loved how Tomas told stories—he had a way of bringing everything to life. It was just another thing I adored about him."Thank you for coming to me, Tomas," I said softly. "I really missed you. I didn't want to be that clingy girlfriend.""You can be yourself with me, be clingy , bitchy, jealous angry or whatever just be you" he replied, his voice warm. "There's nothing about you I wouldn't love. It might annoy the shit out of me sometimes, but I'd still love it because it's you."