Paracosm

life is worth living

song lyrics: {"I've been having a hard time adjusting, I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting. I didn't know if you'd care if I came back, I have a lot of regrets about that. Pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down. And maybe I don't know what to say, but I'm here in your doorway."}

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new era of life. I won't lie and say I was so excited to get out, I was, though a little naive. Just like a child excited to grow up and have all the things she could ever dream; I was in a hurry. Too much of a hurry and oh God, if I could go back and slow down. I'd give anything to go back and trace my father's tattoo on the palm of his hand, feel his hugs or hear his voice. I had the shiniest wheels as a kid. The world I conjured up in my mind was at my beck and call. I was the hero; I didn't need saving. At age 9, those shiny wheels rusted. I had my first dance with depression. Nothing more than a 3-way friendship ending that had my little heart in shambles and my siblings jokingly asking if I was depressed.  I like to joke that this was the test run for the real heart stopper. You. You getting sick again. You calling me in to help you dial moms phone number while struggling to breathe. You having to come live with us again so we could care for you. You becoming unrecognizable to my 10-year-old eyes. I used to read to you and even though it scared me, to sit next to nothing more than the shell that was my once lively father, I liked reading to you. Even though you were physically there, but the brain fog had you elsewhere, I could tell you liked listening to me. I know you loved me; I know you wouldn't have chosen to leave me. I know you were tired. 

With my shiny wheels rusting at such a young age, I am still that 9-year-old little girl. I still carry the weight of the world on my shoulders with no spotter when my knees start to go weak. I long to share my words with you or anyone who will listen. I never knew what to say when trying to initiate an "I need you, I need help." To anyone who wasn't you. But as I stood in their doorway, I tried anyway.  When I found out after you left that you had unspoken and beautifully written words too; I wanted to run to you. I wanted to show you, "look! we truly were meant for each other, you and me." You understood me like no one ever has and maybe I'll never feel that way with anyone ever again. Over the years, as I fought for survival the best way I knew how, you slipped further and further away. 

song lyrics: {"They told me all of my cages were mental
So, I got wasted like all my potential. And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad. I have a lot of regrets about that I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere. Fell behind all my classmates, and I ended up here, pouring out my heart to a stranger. But I didn't pour the whiskey"} 

While I took the time to survive, no one understood anything anymore. I was a new person, a shell of who I was before. It all became too much, and I checked out. I would lash out here and there. I wanted them to hurt how I was hurting. I do have regrets about this. Because my goal wasn't to hurt anyone. My goal was them to see me. They never helped me achieve that goal. They still don't see me. Even when my mother saw me, she didn't see me. I let her toes dip in the pool of my world, and she drained the water. I understand. She didn't know better. It hurt her to give what she never got. I know. But she will never try to understand that I was a child, and it was my first time here too. I was ahead until I wasn't. I had a loving parent until I didn't. I fell behind and one day just stopped bothering to catch up. "I may as well be who everyone thinks I am, right?"

The self-destructive time is over now. I'm in my 20's now, I try so desperately to retrace my steps. I trio time and time again because my heart is saying, "go back, heal." while my mind is saying, "Run. Run as fast as you can and never look back. It's not worth it anymore, it hurts too much." But hear me. Please hear me. I don't want to exist while life just passes me by. I don't want to just go through the motions. My body language is a liar. My face is a liar. My wide eyes like a deer is the headlights are lying. I want to fight. I want to hurt so I can heal. I want to live. Oh my God, I am dying to live. I know happiness can't be felt all the time. But I know it can be felt for more then I feel it before it vanishes. I know I don't have to be so high and low. I know life is worth living. 

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING....

I want to take the moments and taste them. I want to feel so alive. I want to be on the back of my lovers' motorcycle and feel the rush of the wind in my hair type of alive. What am I looking for? What if I never find it. How terrifying of a thought...I hope I find it.