Season to Heal

Old habits die hard

It was strange to be in a place so familiar to her, but to think so differently. To feel so much freer that she had felt before she had left. Yet, to be as "restricted" as she used to think she was. She realised that she had certain things she would say, certain things she would think and even certain songs she would sing when she was in different parts of her house or doing some particular task. Some of these thoughts would be about looking for the next task she had to complete. Some of them would have been about a future husband or maybe the guy in her life that she currently found attractive.

But after coming home, her views were different. She realized that thoughts that she often entertained were now so easily shut out of her mind the moment she chose to do so. Depressing thoughts. Angry thoughts. She pushed them out of her mind with ease and reminded herself of her time away from home. 

Her urge to watch YouTube videos was no longer there. Sleeping until ten in the morning disappeared and she found that she looked forward to getting up early. Lustful thoughts, gone. Thoughts about Adam, gone. Anxiety about not knowing what she or her family was going to eat, gone. So many things that used to be so important to her were now...not. So what was? 

Spending time with her family. Spending time with Jesus. Actually reading the scripture and living by it. Understanding that he was with her all the time, whether she acknowledged it or not. And that she actually should be acknowledging it. 

Even eating everything that was in sight stopped. Of course her family started making her eat breakfast again. The portion sizes were the same. Everyone in her family had put on more weight even from the last time she left. It was all the more shocking when her Mom actually showed approval of her weight. She was so happy she felt like she could have died in that moment and died happy. Even speaking to herself for long periods of time died out. She suddenly did not do them. The lustful urges that would build in her, she found that she could push them out of her body with ease. Just not entertain them. And they were no longer there. 

Certain things remained the same though. Her disdain for studying. Her need to know what everyone was doing. She still took offence way to quickly and her temper was no where under control. She had never understood that part of scripture where Jesus said: 

"Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you."

"If a man slaps you on the cheek, turn the other to him. If he asks you for your coat, give him your cloke as well". 

Her brother explained to her that she needed to understand it in the context Jesus was speaking it in. He also said that he had read that turning the other cheek meant basically that the slap meant nothing and almost to show that to the other person, you would bare the other cheek to them as if saying "That's all you got?" or something to that effect.  She realized she needed to stop taking offence so quickly. 

That being said, 10 days after she returned home, she was just about to head to bed and go to say goodnight to her Mom. She was waiting for her to finish hug her brother then says that Lucy don't want to hug her. Lucy explained to her that she was waiting so that she could hug her. While she hugged her, Lucy feel her Mom squeeze her tightly. She felt happy about it, thinking "my Mom is so happy to have me home". Then her Mom said "Ah, you're putting on some weight again! Around this area!" and squeezed her waist again. Lucy could not even muster up a fake smile while her spirit broke inside of her. Before she went to shower she had spent about 30 mins on the treadmill, feeling so good about herself. And now this. Then she says "That little nose is now not so sharp anymore". It was like the little piece of confidence that Lucy had while away from home, was shattered in an instance.

She couldn't stop crying the next morning.

Home sweet home.