Season to Heal

Re-unite

She had been home for about 2 weeks. Now more than ever, she noticed that she was prone to anger and malicious thoughts. She was also prone to thoughts of lust, sex, rape, fear of these things and was constantly felt like a victim to them. Then she saw something she had written in her journal: the stoic mindset is the fact that you will only do good no matter what happens to you. This mindset is the absolute rejection of being a victim. She had to understand that she was not a victim. She would not let the world harden her. Would not let it change her. Just as Adam had told her not to.

Speaking of Adam, she woke up from a night full of thunder and lightning to beautiful rays of sun streaking through her window. When she opened her eyes, there was this particular thought in the head. Scenes in her interactions with Adam that she had never looked close enough at.
He was not mature. He was thirty- four, was a very competent doctor and had been treating patients for years. Yet, that maturity that she was often attracted to, he did not have it. It was not even a matter of confidence, but more of maturity. He seemed more like a boy in a man's body. She did not want a boy. Never did.

She had always wanted a man. And she had not realized that it was a boy that she had been so infatuated with, all this time. Even from her surgery rotation, she had not picked up the clues that he was a boy who got angry at patients when they gave him an outrageous home remedy that they chose. Getting upset when students didn't come for rounds or stay for duties. Looking down on women in general, only seeing them as objects meant for sex and nothing more. It was all misogynistic foolishness. He was a boy.

Even when she was discussing it with Keisha, the incident with the lanyard and Lucy losing her shit when the female resident took it. Keisha made a face and said that it sounded like he knew it passed Lucy off...and was enjoying it. The bastard.

She remembered to smirk on his face while it was happening. The bastard enjoyed seeing her miserable. He enjoyed being "fought" over by two beautiful women. More boyish behavior. Maybe he did deserve to die alone.

God revealed this to her. She realized that he was never the man she wanted. 

With her sister getting married, all these thoughts about when she was going to get a man, would Adam ever come to his senses and come to her country and claim her, was she going to die alone...these thoughts swarmed in her head and came crashing down on her in waves. That coupled with the expectation of her to simply comply with her sister's own damn mistakes. Yes mistakes...because she was pregnant. It was why there was this sudden rush for the wedding. And now, she needed a house for her and her family as well. So...her wedding, then birth of her baby then her house had to be taken care of very quickly. Sasha, her sister, had been like that all her life. She always kept the rest of her family on a 'need to know' basis when it came to giving information...or help. 

And Lucy and her brother Darren, were always expected to simply be onboard. To comply with every whim and fancy of their sister. And they only did it so their parents would not bear the brunt of it. Sasha was a manipulative little minx and always had an ulterior motive when it came to helping one of them. It was never a favor but a transaction to be cashed in later. Lucy was always repulsed by her sister's behavior, but for her parents' sakes, she did not want to make waves. She hated it. She sometimes ranted to her parents about it and was often surprised to hear the anger in her voice. But, just like Keisha's loyalty to Jessica, she did not think her parents truly understood the depth of Sasha's wickedness. 

But, she knew that she had to let it go. She knew that she had to use every encounter with her sister as a test. A trial, if you will. Something that should make her stronger, not break down the work of years and years of persistence and determination. 

Her Mom and Dad were the ones planning literally everything. All they could do was help them. While her sister just kept doing as she pleased. Lucy could not help but wonder if her parents had actually put a stop to the guy coming to the house. Because as long as he was in her bedroom, they would be having sex and she would get pregnant eventually. 

Lucy did not care how the child was conceived and understood that children are a blessing. She would love that little one as her own and love her fiercely. She could not help but think about how it was in the Bible. There were women who simply did not want children or were forced into it and they bore children. Beautiful healthy children. And then there were those, Godly women who wanted children so badly and were simply barren. Those who had husbands who loved them and loyal to them were often those women. She could not help but think that the way she and her sister were opposites, that she would end up being like one of those with the loving husbands, but then...

A single thought kept her from spiraling: "If you think God is holding out blessings from you, you are no better than Eve in the garden of Eden". 

Why would she think that God would not bless her with beautiful babies too...should she want them eventually? She realized that she literally could not control how that went. Other than the fact that she wanted God to fully have the reigns on it. She had no problem dying a virgin. But she did want to give her parents grandchildren and she also understood that children are truly your legacy...something precious that you leave in the world once you are long gone. But she was not going to rush it. She wanted it to be on God's time. Whether God sent her a husband tomorrow, five years from now, or never, she knew that she would be ok, as long as she did not let the world get into her head. To pressure her into having sex or having a husband and children. 

Whenever she let those thoughts wash over her, she always felt an overflowing peace that was simply unmatched. And when she decided over and over after reminding herself not to conform to the world, she would look at ways of improving herself. Her body, her mind, her intellect and her wit. But most importantly, her faith. Her compassion and love for others. That was probably the most challenging of them all. 

She hated the way she struggled to stay calm around her mother. It was so annoying when she woke Lucy and Darren up when they were maybe riding in the vehicle or maybe just in the same room together. Lucy particularly hated it because when her Mom did that, she felt like punching something. She wanted to break something and it was just a violence she could not quench, and eventually made it out of her in very biting words. Words that were created to be wielded as weapons. And she could not use those on the people she loved so she turned it inwards. 

And it fucking hurt. 

It made her want to pull out her hair and claw at her skin. To grind her teeth and bang her head against the wall. To scream and ...

How the hell was she supposed to be calm when all this violence roared in her blood, desperate for some escape? Some release. 

So she stopped focusing on the outer world. 

She was her sister's maid of honor because she wanted to keep the whole thing under wraps. She was also the godmother and Darren was the godfather. 

Sigh, Lucy wondered if she would ever even get a chance to fuck up.