Mickey - The View From Here PART TWO - Gallavich

The Right To Miss Someone

“Your son?” Andy the shrink echoed back to me. “That seems like a hell of a coincidence. Do you think, maybe, you’re projecting your son onto a similar looking boy?”

I was slouched in the comfy chair across the room from him, rubbing my forehead in a useless battle against another migraine. “It was him. His nanny told me all about Miss Lana, my fuckin’ whore ex-wife.”

“I thought her name was Svet.”

I gave him an irritated glance. “Svetlana. Svet. Lana. It’s them. Nanny showed me a picture of Svet and Yevvy on her phone.”

“Okay. So, what now?”

“That’s a stupid fuckin’ question.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Nothing,” I told him. “I pretend I never saw him and keep on pretending that chapter in my life never fuckin’ happened.”

“Does that help?”

I had to ponder on this before I shrugged. “Sometimes. Out of sight, out of mind, right?”

“What about the rest of the time?”

My focus retreated to my fidgeting hands. “I try not to get all in my feelings about it,” I grumbled.

“What kind of feelings?”

Begrudgingly, I replied, “regret. Shame. Failure.”

“But why? You said, yourself, the boy isn’t biologically yours and that you barely raised him.”

“I claimed him,” I pointed out. “I had to at first, but eventually, I wanted to. Ian’s such a good dad, but he was sick…”

“I gotta ask, Mickey. Do you resent your husband for what happened after his episode?”

I had to think about it. “I just wish it went different. We were like a family for a minute there. Then Yevvy wasn’t safe with Ian. Or me.”

“You had to choose,” Andy observed. “Between the man you love and your child.”

Ignoring a pang of guilt, I  solemnly nodded my head. “I didn’t think she’s take the kid away forever.”

“You must have felt relieved on some level. It must have been a burden to take on that responsibility to appease your abusive father.”

“A little…but it worked for everyone. I had no choice, and the only thing Terry liked about Yevgeny was that the kid had our last name. If I hadn’t claimed him, Yev and Svet would’ve been on the street.”

“So it was an obligation.”

“At first,” I reminded him. “Then it wasn’t. Then Ian lost his marbles, and Svet turned on us.”

“Do you think she was only trying to protect her child?”

“I guess…and that’s what stings."

“Are you going to reach out to her? Maybe tell her some of these things? Reacquaint with Yevgeny?”

I shook my head and crossed my arms in a subconscious self-hug. “No. She doesn’t wanna hear from me.”

“And what does your husband think about all this?”

Hesitant, I took my time to admit, “I didn’t tell him. Touchy subject.”

“Well, maybe start there. Why keep it a secret?”

“Why tell him?” I countered. “He's either not gonna give a shit, or he’ll want us to get shared custody or something. He’ll wanna do something about it, go behind my back and call her. He’ll just make things worse.”

“You know secrets kill marriages?”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Talk to him,” Andy encouraged. “He’s the biggest ally you have. Trust him.”

“He’ll wanna fix it,” I insisted. “He’s too stubborn when he gets his mind set on something.”

“What is it you’re afraid he’ll do?”

Good question. I shrugged, “I just don’t wanna make it worse. I’ll move on. It ain’t a big deal.”

“Alright,” Andy said with a sarcastic grin. “How’s that been working so far? You think it’s healthy to repress it and drink it all away?”

“I don’t give a shit about bein’ healthy. I get by.”

“What about Ian? You said he hasn’t noticed your increased drinking. What happens when he notices? Wont he wonder if something's up?”

I curled my hand into a fist. “What are you gettin’ at, man?”

“What kind of marriage do you want? One of openness and union, or secrets and alienation?”

“You’re sayin’ I gotta tell Ian about Yevvy?”

“No. I’m saying you shouldn’t let fear and shame force you to hide from people you care about. If Ian is the person you tell me he is, he wouldn’t want you to deal with this alone. Don’t minimize the fact that this boy, in your mind, is your son. You said it yourself, you claimed him. You are allowed to miss your son.”

“No,” I asserted. “He’s not. I’m a stranger to him. I have no right to care.”

As I walked out of Andy’s office and got into the ambulance, I tried to mull over what Andy was trying to say. Maybe he was right, at least about talking to Ian. It wasn’t a big deal, but it felt like if I didn’t tell him about seeing Yevgeny, I’d be keeping a secret. On the drive home, I tried to plan out what to say and how to prevent him from doing anything stupid if he felt the need to reach out. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Svetlana’s loathing for Ian still remained, and we couldn’t risk pissing that crazy bitch off.

When I got home, I had to rethink my plans, since, of course, one problem was never enough.

Ian and Debbie stood from the couch where they had been chatting and pensively greeted me. Angry for my niece, I glared at Debbie with rage pumping through my veins. “And where the fuck have you been?"