𝗦𝗢𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝗢 𝗗𝗘𝗔𝗧𝗛; 𝖲𝖧𝖮𝖱𝖳𝖲𝖳𝖮𝖱𝖨𝖤𝖲

miserable

Everyday is the same,
I wake up with a deep anxiety that feels like dying.

In the morning i remember everything i ever did, i regret everything i ever did and i want to die and deep inside me is a rooting sadness that refuses to go away.

I dont deserve my friends, i dont deserve my family, i dont deserve anything.

I dont even deserve to life.

Last night i dreamed about taking drugs and killing myself and this dreams felt like paradise, they felt like the redemption i deserve.

When I even deserve redemption.

In the afternoon i mourn everything i ever had ans everything i never had, i mourn the people i met in my life and i mourn every phase of myself.

In the afternoon i crave connections, love, bounds, i crave everything I will never have.

In the evening i want to disappear completely like i never existed in the first place.

I want to die alone and i want to die secretly.

Its not like i deserve anything other than that.

I feel miserable, the evening lets me crave every sin i could ever do,

Cutting myself apart until the only thing i see is red,
Taking drugs,
Drinking alcohol until i will never recover from it,
Getting in bed with everyone even tho the bare thought of Sex makes me uncomfortable,
Harming myself, desteoying myself with every sin i know.

The evening passes by and night comes up.

The night is the worst, because its all of that above together.

In the nighttime i'm miserable.