There was a brief pause on the other end. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," I lied, forcing a smile even though no one could see it. "Just need a day to recharge, that's all."
After a moment of hesitation, they agreed, and I ended the call with a sigh of relief. This was what I needed—some space, some time to clear my head and figure out how to handle these feelings before they spiraled out of control. I couldn't let my emotions interfere with my work, and I certainly couldn't let them ruin everything I had achieved.
As I made my way home, the night air cool against my flushed skin, I knew that this was the right decision. Distance would give me the clarity I needed, and hopefully, it would also help me keep my guard up around Jisung. Because no matter how much my heart wanted to give in, my mind knew better. And for now, my mind had to win.
But even as I walked away, a small part of me couldn't help but linger on the memory of his touch, the warmth of his smile, and the connection we had shared. It was a dangerous game, balancing on the edge of professionalism and personal feelings, but in that moment, I knew one thing for certain: Jisung had become someone I couldn't easily forget.
The resolve I had mustered felt fragile, as if it could shatter at the slightest provocation. I told myself that the day off would give me the distance I needed, but deep down, I wasn't sure if a single day would be enough to cool the emotions that had already begun to smolder.
As I lay in bed that night, sleep eluded me. My thoughts kept drifting back to him, to the way his eyes had softened when he looked at me, to the way he had noticed the smallest details. It wasn't just about the anime or the get-togethers; it was about the way he made me feel seen, understood, and appreciated. Almost if he knew deep down, just how lonely I truly was.
That scared me more than anything. Because as much as I tried to keep my distance, I couldn't deny the pull I felt toward him, a pull that was growing stronger with each passing day.
The following morning, I woke up with a mix of determination and uncertainty. I was determined to use my very first vacation day to regain control of my emotions, but the uncertainty of how to navigate my feelings for Jisung lingered like a shadow. I knew I needed to focus on my work, my goals, and the reason I had come this far. But even as I repeated those affirmations to myself, I couldn't shake the feeling that something had fundamentally changed between us.
The day off feels like a gift, though the emotions swirling inside me make it hard to fully embrace the peace it's supposed to bring. I wake up early, still feeling the tension from last night, but also a sense of relief. The quiet of my apartment wraps around me as I approach the fridge. I open the door, only to be greeted by a few condiments and some leftover rice on the shelf. The cold, white light flickers inside, and I realize that this emptiness mirrors how I feel—cold and hollow. Though it's such a simple fix, my mind breaks a little. I truly am lonely, with no food to speak of and nothing to occupy my mind today.
After ordering takeout, I lace up my running shoes and head out for a jog. The park is just waking up with me, the air cool and crisp against my skin. Each step on the pavement feels like a release, the rhythm of my feet grounding me in the present moment. As I run, I let my thoughts drift, trying to sort through everything—my feelings for Jisung, the weight of the contract, the tension between what I want and what I know I should do. I think about how I often turn to grunge and rock music on days like this, letting the raw energy mirror my own inner turmoil. It's like the music speaks for me when I can't find the words. The run clears my head, but it doesn't bring me any closer to a solution. Still, it helps.
Back home, I shower quickly, the hot water washing away the last traces of sleep. Afterward, I decide to head to my favorite spot in the city—a small, hidden place on the outskirts of Seoul, where the chaos of the city feels like a distant memory. It's a rooftop garden, tucked away above an old building that few people seem to know about. I discovered it by accident one day, and ever since, it's been my refuge. The garden is a little wild, with plants that seem to grow however they please, but that's part of its charm. The view stretches out over the rooftops, and in the quiet, I can almost forget about everything else.
I find my usual spot on the weathered stone bench, the city's hum far below me. It's here that I can think clearly, where the world feels smaller and more manageable. I pull out my journal, needing to get some of these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. The pen moves almost on its own as I write, spilling out the confusion and conflict I've been feeling. I write about Jisung—the way he makes me laugh, the way his smile lingers in my mind long after he's gone—and I write about the contract, the rules that hang over me like a shadow. The contract I signed so easily before seems to be the thing in the way of my happiness now. Do I abandon Jisung to continue my career? Or do I give up my dreams to try to love Jisung? It's not easy to reconcile the two, but putting it on paper helps, even if just a little.
Just as I'm finishing, my phone buzzes.
It's Hana, my best friend from primary school. She is one of the few people I can talk to about this without holding back. I answer, and before I know it, I'm spilling everything—the late-night rehearsals, the way Jisung's presence throws me off balance, the impossibility of it all. She listens without interrupting, her steady presence on the other end of the line a lifeline.
"Don't be too hard on yourself," she finally says. "It's okay to feel conflicted. You don't have to figure everything out right away."
Her words are a comfort, but they don't completely dissolve the knot in my chest. We talk a little longer before saying goodbye, and I feel a bit lighter after hanging up. But the uncertainty still lingers.
Needing a break from my own thoughts, once again, I decide to stay in my quiet sanctuary a little longer. The garden is at its most beautiful in the late afternoon, the sun casting a warm glow over the plants, the shadows stretching long and soft. I breathe in the fresh air, letting the stillness settle over me. It's in moments like these that I feel most at peace, where I can just be, without the pressure of the outside world.
As the day winds down, I prepare a simple dinner and settle onto the couch, flipping on the anime Jisung had recommended. It feels like a small connection to him, something to share even when we're apart. The show is better than I expected, and I find myself getting lost in the story, the tension of the day finally easing away.
How can he be so good at comforting me, even without being near me? It's as if he knew I'd need this.
By the time I crawl into bed, I feel more at peace. My feelings for Jisung are still there, but they don't feel as overwhelming. I'll take this one day at a time, no rush, no pressure. I close my eyes, letting the quiet of the night pull me into sleep, feeling more grounded than I have in days.
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A Backstage Love I Han Jisung x Reader
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