Joshleen: Hitched..

I can't

Colleen's POV

We are on a plane to San Francisco from Macon and I'm a mess. I hardly eat, I hardly talk, I hardly do anything. I think Josh is really worried. I feel tired all of the time but I don't do anything all day. I can't be happy. I'm always sad. But I have found a way to relieve myself a bit by... doing things. And I haven't even kissed Josh in like 4 days. Ugh. On the plane I get a headache and start to feel hot.

J: "Are you okay baby? You're sweating."

C: "Yeah, I'm just hot." Josh was surprised that I talked.

J: "Then take off your sweater. It is a little warm right now."

C: "No. I'm fine. I'm gonna take an advil for my headache." Josh looks at me confused.

J: "Um okay. Do you want my water."

C: "Yeah." I take the pills and look back out the window.

Josh's POV

We were on the plane and Colleen was sweating. I asked her if she was okay not expecting a response. She actually responded. She hasn't talked to anyone that much, not even Rachel. She takes an advil and starts to fall asleep. Her head falls on my shoulder. It felt really nice. This is probably the most I've touched her since the miscarriage. She starts sweating again, so I unzip her sweater. She wakes up and looks back out the window not saying a word. She starts to fall asleep again. I pull up her sleeves to cool her off and I am broken at what I see. Scars. Lots of them. She has a "J" in a heart and a bunch of lines. Oh my god. I start to cry but not loud.

It's time to get off the plane now and Colleen wakes up. She looks at her arms and hurries and pulls down her sleeves, hoping no one seen. I woke Rachel up and we got off of the plane in silence.

We are in the rental car headed for the hotel. I look over at Colleen and she is staring at nothing. I hate this. I'm heart broken that she is hurting herself. We park and start walking to the hotel entrance. Three fans come up to Colleen. Oh god, what is Colleen going to do.

C: "Hi guys" she says with no excitement or happiness at all.

Fans: "What's wrong?!"

C: ".... Uh just tired." she said quietly. They took a picture and we headed up to the room.

We got to to our room. Colleen goes to the bathroom for a little bit and comes out sad but a little more relax. I have been waiting for privacy to talk to her about this.

J: "What were you doing in there?" I said obviously knowing what she's doing.

C: "I had to pee." she says looking down very quietly 

J: "But I didn't hear the toilet flush.." I say with my eyes tearing up

C: "..Uuhhh...."

J: "Colleen.. Please" I say crying. She looks up with tears in her eyes.

C: "I'm sorry" she looked back down at the ground watching her tears hit the floor

J: "Show me."

C: "What no!" 

J: "..Please..." I grabbed her hand gently. She didn't pull it away. I gently pull up her sleeve. There was 5 fresh cuts.

J: "Oh my god Colleen. Baby... " I say sobbing.

C: "Joshua, I love you." she says jumping in my arms. I hug her tight. 

J: "I love you too Colleen" 

We were so exhausted from crying so changed and cuddled in bed. We fell straight asleep.

Colleen's POV

I have a show today and I don't want to do it. It's 4 o'clock and we have to be at sound check at 4:30. I haven't left the room at all today. Josh is holding my hand in the car while we are headed to sound check. Sound check went good but now we are waiting backstage. I go get my dress on and put makeup on my scars and cuts. Josh hands me a five hour energy to help me. i go on stage and the show is off to a good start. "Beautiful in White" comes on. Josh comes on stage and everyone goes crazy. At the end of the song we kissed. It felt soooo good to kiss him after 5 days. I never wanted to stop. That gave me a big boost for the show.

I am Miranda right now and it's the part during the show when i get me another "bae". I teach the crowd how to go on a date. We sit down on the chairs and i start to sing to him. He is smiling and it's really cute. He looks down at my wrists. Oh shit. I keep singing. He looks up at me with the saddest eyes. We made eye contact. He lifts up his sleeve and shows me. Oh my gosh. His arm is terrible. There has to be hundreds. He smiles and we continue on with the act. I give him a hug and he whispers, "Please stop. You can get better and get through this." I get tears in my eyes. I can get through this. I will.