Adrian (The Write Awards 2013)

08: Everything is Unfathomable

Why was I pulled into the Nothingness? Why is it my job to recreate the universe? Why did my Earth disappear? Why is Adrian a weapon?

Why, why, why?

Darren is staring at me now, and I can only imagine the various judgements running through his mind. Is he wondering about the dried blood on my dress, or it's jagged ends? Maybe he's curious about the purse, or even the chipping black polish that still stains my nails. None of this is likely. He is probably wondering about what I'm wondering about, or what I think that he's wondering about.

Stop, I tell myself. I'm over thinking. He's probably analyzing my every move, because he can't fathom how I'm still awake. He wants to know how; I want to know why. Is there really such a difference?

"Aren't you tired?" Darren asks again.

I tug on the end of my dress. "Of course, I've been tired since before you got here."

"Since I got here?" Then he extends his arms up above him, gesturing to the world outside the web. "Or here?"

"What do you mean?"

Darren explains to me-with a hint of annoyance in his voice- that "here" was my world, and that "here" (with his arms extended) was the universe in general. I tell him that I meant when he got here, as in my world-or land, whatever you want to call it. "But when did you get here, like to the universe?" I didn't even bother to wonder about that yet until he brought it up.

"Oh I don't know," he says. "I've always been here. This is all I remember. Isn't it the same for you?"

And now my head is spinning. Isn't it the same for you? Of course it isn't. Darren doesn't remember anything from his past. My past may have been just my imagination, but at least I remember it. At least I have something.

"What's your earliest memory?" I ask with caution; I'm afraid of both the answer and the question.

"Eh, it's fuzzy. So I'm standing in my world, and everything's all white. Got it? And then Jax's there, but I don't know it's him. He looks blurry, like I have bad vision and I'm not wearing my glasses or something. He's trying to do something, I don't know what. He's waving his hands randomly in the air, but then looks at me in disgust and leaves me be. I don't know how long ago that was. I'm not sure how to tell time."

Interesting, but I'm not sure what any of this means. Does it just support the idea that my Earth isn't real? That my Adrian isn't real? I don't want this to be true. It can't be true, yet it must be.

"Do you know who Adrian is?" I blurt out, without even thinking, without even contemplating the consequences.

"Never heard of him," he replies, but I can tell he's lying straight through his teeth. He must of had some interaction with him before randomly taking his place. The way he twiddles his thumbs and averts his eyes to left tells me so; I've dealt with Adrian's lies for years. Although, I'm not sure if that information is valuable. It was only my imagination after all. But if I needed that experience to recreate the universe, it had to be somewhat valid, right? Enough with the philosophy, Socrates, Adrian would've said to me just then.

"Why?" I ask.

"Be more specific."

"Don't be so dense. You know what I mean. Why is all of this happening?"

"It's always been like this, ain't it? You don't question what it is."

I don't say anything. Darren's slang only proves to me that he isn't lying on one part. He's always been here, but I still believe he knows Adrian-or he's seen him, at least. I wonder if he'll give up more information if I pry just a little bit more. Maybe I'll ask the one question that will get him to spill everything, kind of like when I asked him about his first memory, except I need more information.