Smile Code (Lost Laughter) 失笑 - Zhu Le 祖乐

12

You can take advantage of female employees at the annual meeting, so why can't I tease your boss?

Gu Yi clearly couldn't ignore Guan Xingxin's words. Whether at work or during open mics, she felt a bit distracted, but her sharp jokes and punchlines were frequent, often cracking everyone up with just a few interactions. Liang Daiwen only got to perform once, sitting in the back row where Gu Yi couldn't see him. She thought it was better this way because seeing him would affect her mood.

Now, she no longer struggled with whether Liang Daiwen laughed or not. After all, knowing that the answer was "a person sentenced to death by love," it was better to just not get him to laugh at all.

She specially ran back to school to borrow an old classmate's account to access the library for literature. Alexithymia was a new concept introduced in 1972. It wasn't considered a serious mental illness but more of a personality trait resulting from physical pain and severe illness. For example, such people couldn't empathize with others' feelings, their dreams lacked color, and when expressing emotions, their minds would go blank. When they liked someone, they might feel "discomfort" instead... In short, they gave the impression of being different from others, like they came from a black-and-white world, unable to fit into a society ruled by emotions.

She had once audited a linguistics class at the foreign language department, and when she saw the word "alexithymia," the answer was right there in the word itself: "a" means lack, "lexi" means words, and "thymos" means emotions. It referred to a condition where a person had difficulty perceiving emotions and couldn't express their feelings properly. It was something psychologists would treat through conversation, but facing an emotional void, there probably wasn't much to discuss.

Feeling dizzy in front of the computer, Liang Daiwen sent her a message: "You forgot your elevator card this morning. I put it in the mailbox downstairs."

She wasn't sure how to describe her feelings sitting in front of the computer.

Before heading home, Gu Yi deliberately took a detour to Anfu Road to Sunflour. The sea salt rolls and lemon tarts in the bag emitted a pleasant fragrance. Gu Yi fumbled for her keys in her mind as she walked down the damp corridor of the Van Gogh Museum, with the scent of the rainy season lingering. After writing a new joke and finishing a book, Liang Daiwen finally came back. Just seeing him made her feel a little sour. He pulled out a suitcase to pack, and Gu Yi leaned against the bedroom door. "Are you going out?"

"I'm going to Beijing for a business trip. My hair is in my eyes. It's 11 PM, and no barbershop is open now."

Gu Yi said, "What a pity. If it's an electric razor, I can help you shave it." Back in middle school, the school didn't allow long hair, and my mom helped me cut my hair short like a boy's. Both of us were quite good at it.

Liang Daiwen didn't respond and went into the study. Gu Yi thought maybe he wasn't interested in her topic. A few minutes later, he came out holding a box. "I bought a razor last year."

When she wrapped the cloth around his head, only his face showed. The direction of the fine hair at the back of his head was to the right, like it was guiding aliens back to their hometown. The electric razor, freshly charged, made a sharp sound. Gu Yi adjusted it to 6mm. "Let me trim it all short first, then I'll thin it out for you. Are you sure you trust me?"

The fine hair made a sound under the cloth. "Can I still choose?" The words were affectionate, as though they had been lovers for a long time. The hair fell in swathes, and Gu Yi felt a bit dazed. For normal men and women to be this close, it would usually take acquaintance, probing, and strategies... The journey would be very long.

His lack of defense was the shortcut to reaching this moment. If it weren't for this personality, how could she, a stand-up comedian who lived by humor, have reached this point? She thought about it and changed her tone. "Mr. Liang, do you help everyone like this? First Guan Xingxin, now me. How many people have you helped?"