Smile Code (Lost Laughter) 失笑 - Zhu Le 祖乐

27

What kind of chocolate cake gives you this much energy, a broken heart Snickers?

On the floor, there was an empty vodka bottle, and alcohol-scented tissues were thrown into the trash can. The entire room smelled of alcohol. Liang Daiwen, who didn't drink, rummaged through the cabinet and found a bottle of red wine. He stared at the label for a while, his gaze slightly unfocused. Using a small knife, he cut through the seal and then slowly twisted the corkscrew into the cork, clumsily like someone trying to start a fire by rubbing wood together. The whole process was so suggestive that Gu Yi swallowed nervously.

With a "pop" sound, the cork came out smoothly. Gu Yi, jolted back to reality, shook herself. Sitting on the floor, Liang Daiwen glanced at her while holding the cork, not saying anything, and continued drinking with her, one glass after another, making it feel like a bond forged in blood. After both of them burped from the alcohol, Liang Daiwen leaned against the couch, staring straight ahead. His black shirt, now touched by her hands, had a button halfway undone, and his collar was still intact. Gu Yi sat on the other side, her mind clouded by alcohol and the pervasive scent in the air, her body heating up. At this moment, a thought crossed her mind-if a woman could stay diligently by a man's side, with no sexual desire, and care for him tenderly, then this feeling should be called... maternal love.

But this feeling was about to change.

"I haven't been able to catch any good stand-up comedy recently," Liang Daiwen spoke first.

"You were really lucky a while ago. Meeting someone like me, you definitely used up some of your good fortune."

Liang Daiwen pushed his finger at the corner of his mouth, seemingly trying to smile sincerely. Gu Yi didn't know whether to feel relieved or heartbroken. He was progressing with time, like a fragile yet determined child, but because he had already grown up, he no longer received any praise from anyone.

"I haven't been home much this past month. I designed handrails for a blind school's staircase. I made a track along the wall of the stairs, one that could bear weight, so students with vision and mobility impairments could use it to go up and down smoothly. Guan Xingxin once told me about an experience she had when chatting with Dr. Shen. When she was a child, she learned many words, but the ones she felt closest to were 'sea' and 'sky.' They were vast and endless, just like the darkness she lived in. After gaining her sight, she found it difficult to accept the color blue because she always thought the sea and sky should be black."

Gu Yi remembered how Yu Dule often gave Guan Xingxin blue cornflowers.

"When I can't feel emotions, I always think of this metaphor from Guan Xingxin," Liang Daiwen leaned back on the sofa. "Normal people get used to things, but when I can't understand or accept something, I try to understand it in a different way, just like how Guan Xingxin thought the sea should be black. Some people might think I'm pathetic, but I think it's just them looking down from a higher position; some say I'm hard to approach, maybe because they want something from me. There may be some distortions, but it's not entirely wrong."

Gu Yi looked around Liang Daiwen's room and finally understood. Everything he had was the result of his skewed understanding. The term "empathy" was cruel to Liang Daiwen.

"Today, a blind girl came to my studio to thank me. Last week, I was invited to give a lecture. There was a girl, probably the class monitor, who came with her parents to the office. She said she wanted to be like me. When her parents went out to move the car, she suddenly blushed and asked if I would marry her. She was only fifteen. I think she probably wanted to fulfill a childhood crush. I told her, 'You will meet someone who truly likes you and wants to spend their life with you. Marriage should be with someone who can promise that.' But she only wanted to ask if I was willing. In that moment, when I said 'I am willing,' I meant it. Maybe I wanted her to be happy."