Keep Quiet (Phan AU)

Chapter 5

Phils P.O.V

I was stuck too my bed, nothing holding me down, too what I could see at least. I was just physically unable too pull myself up from the bed and that's when I started panicking. I wasn't in my usual bed with aunt Zoe, oh no. Not in the present but in the past. I was glued too my old bedroom back up in the countryside, I tried screaming and even trying too wake myself up but nothing. I then heard screams, my mother and that's when he entered the room, he grabbed me down by the throat and started punching me multiple times and chanting words such as

"You're just a worthless fag that nobody loves Lester! I should have pulled out earlier"

His chuckles were evil and he wore a menacingly smirk.

--
I was woken up too the sound and multiple pushes off my aunt Zoe. Oh shit I thought, I had too be ready for this.

"What the fuck Phil!" She screams only at least 2 inches away from my face.

"I'm sorry," I gasped "just a nightmare" I added on.

"A nightmare that fucking woke me up, God, you're so inconsiderate" she speaks sternly.

She stands up from the bed and enters out into her own bedroom, why isn't she anything like my mother? Though nobody could even come close too the things she did too protect me and too love me even, because that's all I had ever wanted. To be loved.

I turned around too face the plain creamed wall and just stared whilst I felt and watched my heart and mind break into a thousand pieces all over again, because nothing's happy. I am not happy and its fucking all my fathers fault and partly Dan Howells for not letting me live a normal and happy high school life.

With friends and somebody too actually sit with during lunch, even if it's with an acquaintance but it was a legit crime too be seen with Phil Lester.

I check the time and see that it's 7:10 AM. The things my mind seeps into can get me into quite a lot of trouble so I jump up but quick enough too clumsily whack my head onto the wardrobe next too me. Causing me too go dizzy for a second.

"Shit" I say aloud as I rub the back off my head in pain.

As I'm brushing my teeth I seem too sink into thinking mode and now I'm contemplating what happened with Dan last night.

A reputation too uphold? Pft, honestly how pathetic can he actually get before he notices what a complete twat he sounds like.

I am not looking forward too today, no way. I hadn't got my beatings from Dan yesterday so there's a high chance he will power it into full force and go all hulk on me and that's something my poor bodies dreading.

I look deep into the mirror and observe my features

They were honestly disgusting, I Phil Lester was absolutely a disgust too look like and sometimes I can see why they do put me as their main target and a quarter off the time I don't blame them.

I had this jet black hair, that was naturally ginger but I hated it, i felt like it didn't suit me... And the other half was because I looked similar too my father. With the ginger hair and the side smirk, I wanted too literally hurl.

But I also had most off my mothers features, her big blue eyes that lit up if she were happy and the way her cheeks crinkled when she laughed.

I haven't laughed or smiled for genuine in a very long time but I know that when hopefully I do... My mother will be there with me in some way.
--
I threw my toothbrush back into the pot and once again checked the time, it was 7:45.

"Fucking shit!" I practically shout, there was only one way too save myself from Aunt Zoe's abusive remarks.

And so I removed my PJ top and decided too stick three off my fingers down the back off my throat. These only caused me too heave and so I shoved them down further.

I was now vomiting when she burst into the room.

"For fucks sake Phil!" She screams once again.

And for the first time in what seems like never I actually talk back too her without apologising.

"It's not my fault I'm sick!" I shout back.

She just stands there in shock, saying nothing in which I'm surprised about. She just lingers by the door and speaks softly with me.

"Do you know what day it is today Phillip?" She beckons.

"Yes, I do Zoe. It's Thursday, why?" I asked confused.

"Thursday is the day that my old high school friend Karen and her son are coming over for evening dinner!" She said her voice raising that little bit louder.

"Well maybe let me stay off school and by the end off the day, when I've had rest and some medicine I will live up too this dinner that I'm not really that bothered about". I don't know what had come over me with aunt Zoe, I had always been terrified off her from such a young age.

"EXCUSE ME" she practically shouts, making my ears ring before she carries on with yet something else that I don't give a shit about.

"This dinner means a lot too me, I've had too put up with you for how many years, just because you were too much off a wimp too actually stop anything from happening, I think I'm entitled to this dinner" she sniggers.

By this point my body was roaring with fury.

"You?!," I shout, she takes a few steps back as I stand up with my fists clenched.

"You deserve absolutely nothing! You have treated me like absolute shit since the day I've walked through this house, since I was little and still shaken up from what had happened and you didn't even TRY and help me! You just ignored me and threw fucking emotional abuse every day for fucking nearly 9 years! Do you know how much I needed someone" I started crying, my voice was breaking but I continued

"How much I needed my mum back, or someone too tell me that they love me and that I'm worth something! You know god damn well that I'm bullied and beat up everyday at school for no reason besides I'm fucking Phil Lester, the broken boy that you all hate and guess what?"

She stared into my eyes, she looked like she was filled with guilt but she soon looked down towards the floor and softly answered my question.

"What?"

"Congratulations, because you all fucking did it, you all made me despise myself" and I then pushed past her.

She didn't say anything but her eyes were filling up with guilty tears and I was not the slightest phased.

I was going too stay home today, whether she disagreed or not. It's time I started making choices for myself rather than bullies and a snobby cow doing it for me.

I fall back onto my bed with a big sigh that had been wanting too escape since she walked through the room and I just decided too escape from this reality and pull out one off my favourite books.

The fault in our stars.

And then I thought, at least she's loved and at least she's blessed too have a family and people that actually love her.

Maybe if I killed myself, I could be with the person I miss too death and the only person that loved me.

My mother.