𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐄 || 𝑺𝑬𝑶𝑲𝑺𝑶𝑶

chp13

Joshua sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands, staring at the empty space Seokmin had left behind. The ache in his chest was unbearable, clawing at him like a beast. His words had pushed Seokmin away, his desperation had frightened him, and now Joshua was left in the crushing silence.

His gaze wandered to Seokmin’s belongings—a neatly folded sweater on the chair, a half-drunk cup of coffee on the nightstand, and Seokmin’s journal. It was something Seokmin always kept close, a place for his thoughts and feelings, though he’d never shared its contents with Joshua.

Joshua hesitated, guilt already twisting in his gut as he reached for it. He wasn’t the kind to invade someone’s privacy, but desperation had made him reckless. If there was even a sliver of insight, something that could help him understand what was going through Seokmin’s mind, he needed to know.

The journal felt heavy in his hands, the weight of it almost unbearable. He opened it carefully, flipping past pages of Seokmin’s neat handwriting, sketches, and the occasional pressed flower. And then, he found it.

A note. Folded and tucked between the pages.

His name was written on the outside, in Seokmin’s familiar handwriting.

To Joshua.

His heart pounded as he unfolded it, the words inside immediately catching his breath:

Joshua,
Shua Hyung. If you’re reading this, it means I couldn’t hide it anymore. I don’t know how, or why, but I remember.
I remember dying.
I remember the emptiness, the silence, the pain. It’s all so clear, like a dream I can’t wake from. And yet, here I am. Alive. Breathing. With you. But I don’t understand why. Why am I still here? Why did I come back? Am I supposed to fix something? Am I supposed to be punished?
I’ve tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend I didn’t remember, that I could just… live. But it’s always there, Joshua. The fear. The voices in my head telling me that I’m broken, that I can’t be saved, that it’s only a matter of time before I fall apart again.
And now, you. You’re here, trying so hard to save me, to love me, to pull me out of this endless cycle. But, Joshua… what if you can’t? What if I can’t be saved?
If letting me go means breaking the cycle, then please, do it. Let me go. Stop trying to fix me, stop breaking yourself for me. I can’t bear to see you hurt like this because of me. You deserve better. You deserve love, You deserve someone whole, someone who isn’t dragging you down with them.
I love you, Joshua. But I can’t do this anymore.

The note trembled in Joshua’s hands, the words blurring as tears welled in his eyes. His chest felt like it was caving in, the air ripped from his lungs.

“No… no, no, no,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

The room spun around him as he stumbled to his feet, the journal clutched to his chest. Panic surged through him, white-hot and blinding. The note wasn’t just a confession—it was a goodbye.

He ran.

He didn’t know where Seokmin had gone, but he ran anyway, his feet carrying him through the streets, past familiar corners, past the memories of the life they’d tried so hard to build together. His mind screamed with the image of Seokmin, alone, lost, fading.

When he found him, it was like a knife to the heart.

Seokmin stood at the edge of a bridge, his hands gripping the railing, his body silhouetted against the cold glow of the streetlights. The wind whipped through his hair, and for a moment, he looked almost peaceful, as though the torment inside him had finally quieted.

“Seokmin!” Joshua’s voice tore through the night, raw and desperate.

Seokmin flinched, his head snapping toward the sound. His eyes widened when he saw Joshua, but he didn’t move.