𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐃

SEVENTEEN.

Warnings: Mention of Suicide, Self Destructive Behaviour, Hallucinations, Drugs *Medicine & Alcohol. Very brief mention of blood. Please read with caution. Viewer discretion is advised.

—

Honestly, it was hard to differentiate what was real and what was not. Pill after pill, drink after drink, Y/n's worsening condition was not invisible to the people surrounding him. On the night all hell broke, Holly had sent a doctor up to his room, and the said doctor had dumped him a bunch of medicine, which he downed with alcohol. It helped numb the pain, in a way—and Y/n realized that his brain was slowly turning to mush. He didn't know how he got through the rest of his scenes. He must have been high doing them. Either that, or they gave him a stunt double.

"You are awfully stubborn. Just take your medicine."

Stubborn. Stubborn. Stubborn.

Oh, Y/n hated that word. He hated that word so, so much.

"We're returning back to the dorms after this," Xin Hui told him quietly, "the other members will be worried about you."

I'm not too sure if I deserve that worry, though.

"Mm...okay." Y/n settled on that. He took decidedly long to choose an answer. He felt tired all the time now, and yet he didn't want to sleep—sleeping only brought back unwanted behavior. Oh right. He made a promise to Jin, didn't he? That he wouldn't drink—or if he did, he would do it in moderation. His brain was moving in slow motion. Or at least it felt like it was moving in slow motion.

Hey, wait. Which was his right again? His left...? Park Hyung...who was that? What had Xin Hui done? And his parents...

I'm sorry, Y/n thought glumly, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mother. And Father. I should have listened.

"Drink some water."

Y/n felt a glass being pushed to his lips. Oh. Water. Water. The opposite of fire. Fire. How his parents died...

Ugh. He downed the liquid in one go. Y/n missed the searing sensation that alcohol gave him. It allowed him to forget, but truthfully, he was tired of forgetting. Y/n viewed forgetting as a double edged sword. Forgive and forget, forgive and forget, forget and never forgive. Never forgive himself. His disgusting behavior. God, which child killed his parents?

"You're staring off into a blank space," Xin Hui murmured quietly, "what is it?"

"You killed my disciple," Cho Minho said, directing the sword towards his enemy, "you killed my disciple..."

"Me? Kill your disciple? Why, you were the one who killed him! You sent him to war!"

"Kim Taeyang..?" Y/n peered through his drooping eyelids, "is that you?" Or Xin Hui? But weren't they the same people? Just like Cho Minho and Y/n L/n were the same? Both murderers, both criminals.

"Jesus. What did Holly give to you...? What kind of pills?"

"They help," Y/n slurred his words, "mmm...if it weren't for them, I would be lying dead on the floor. Hopefully in the car," he added after a few moments, "like my parents. Wouldn't that be tragic? Or happy, I don't know. There's a lot of people who would be happy if I died."

"Like who?"

"Um, me." Y/n laughed, "and the millions of people who voted against me on the show. And oh, my parents."

"Don't say that," Xin Hui sucked in a breath, "Y/n. Please, don't ever say that. You know it's not your fault. It was never your fault."

Once upon a time, that felt like a blessing to his ears. And now?