What If - PerthChimon

Jealous and stupidly missing you

What if Chimon was jealous of Santa at the 2024 Starlympics?


(Note: this is a requested story, kind of.)
  

It aches, my heart. Pounding in my chest and squeezing from the immense pain. It aches to look at him. I didn't think it would be this bad. Like a knife to the gut. Or a bomb to my joints. Perth is right here. And yet, I know that things have spun so far out of control and into jagged pieces that things can't be like they used to. Our lives have changed too much now. I wish I could look even for a second at our old life, but the glass is already shattered beyond repair.

Looking down to the tiled floor, I forced my gaze away from him. I can put on a smile out there. In the public among the curious eyes and countless cameras I can act. Act...act like I'm not bothered or affected by Santa, and the way he clings to Perth's side. Not always physically connected but it's obvious that there is a gravitational pull between them. Knowing that Perth was once my magnet, hurts just as much. It pricks at my heart and pushes a lump into my throat. In here, though, that's a different story.

So close to Perth. Alone. I can't put on that seemingly effortless facade. He would see right through it.

This is the closest we've physically gotten in— I don't know how many days. That one photoshoot was nearly three weeks ago now. A simple hug and a very brief conversation was all I got. And now? Now, we're here together. Together but not together. How can I act unbothered by him and his new partner?

Still looking down to the floor, I didn't expect for Perth to suddenly turn around. His feet were now pointed towards me and I could see his shins. But, I still don't know what to say now that we're alone. We're in a restroom, not always an ideal spot, but we can be Perth & Chimon here.

"P'Mon," Perth starts. His hands tugging at the hem of my jersey. "Please talk to me. Are you okay?"

The question makes me want to curl up and intertwine our limbs together, and hold Perth until I really do feel better. When I finally look up into his eyes, I see worry and familiarity. His sense of comfort oozing out to grab hold of me.

Perth is so close.

I hate that I can't reach out anymore. That I can't tug him into a searing kiss and goad sweet nothings out of him. He belongs to someone else now.

I just hope he can't tell what I'm thinking.

"I really miss you, P'Chimon. I don't want you to pull away again" Perth says. His voice is soft and quiet. Then he tugs at my jersey, pulling me towards him. And I resist the urge to follow his pull.

"I...you looked like you were having fun out there. I'm glad," I slowly admit.

Perth nods and a curve stretched across his lips. He's silent, though. He can probably read all my dumb feelings that want him and try to push him away all at the same time. I could tell earlier. He gave me a knowing look immediately, reading my mind like it's a book he wrote himself. We were acting natural, but I'm sure he could tell.

Among the large crowd of actors, and fans, and employees, and whoever else, I had to force my gaze away from Santa. Then my eyes found Perth. My legs felt shaky at first, before he gave me that genuine, reassuring nod from across the bodies of colleagues and friends. He spoke through his gaze, telling me and assuring me that everything is going to be fine.

And it was.

The events were fun to watch and it was amazing to see so many friends all in one place. It was fine, until it wasn't anymore.

Earlier I felt that dumb messy sailor's knot tied up in my stomach when sitting in the stands. I tried not to glance towards them, but...I did and I saw. There was Santa sitting in my spot to the right of Perth. It was a stupid, twisted type of jealousy that couldn't be broken or loosened with a simple nod.

"You seemed to be having fun too. So what's wrong?" Perth says, breaking through my thoughts.

I look up to him, and...damn, I miss him and I hate Hate that I can't hold him like I used to. It burns in my chest, like a raging inferno, but it also feel like chains are strapped to every limb of my body. And there's a whisper in my mind that tells me to stay away because I'm still not good enough.

With another tug of my shirt, I move just a few centimeters closer. His aftershave lingering on his skin punches me in the face and then everything wants to flood out of me.

Slowly, I begin, "I guess-"

It's just that I don't know how to explain it. After a deep breath I continue. "I'm just missing you. And—I'm kind of feeling jealous." I don't want to admit it, but I can't keep secrets from him. He just has a natural aura to him that makes me tell him the truth, just like with Nanon or my sister, I can't lie. Not to him.

Looking back to the stony tiles of the floor, I squeeze my lips together. I need to gather myself. Breathing in, I know that I can't change anything about these feelings I have, but shit, it burns and stings. When I look back into dark chocolatey eyes this time, I see longing and hurting. And that, seeing that, it hurts even more.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you jealous, you know that right?" Perth says, his voice cracking a little.

"Yeah," I barely mutter.

"I will always love you. I know things didn't work out, but I'm here...and I'm proud of you for putting yourself first."

That was all I needed to hear from him. Even if I miss Perth & Chimon of the past, I know that I haven't lost him entirely. As I give him a soft smile my left hand moves and wraps around the back of his neck. Almost like I'm going to kiss him one more time. I don't. Instead I pull him down to hold him in a tight embrace, pulling his head to the crook of my neck as my other hand grabs onto his waist. Then Perth's hands find their way to my back automatically like they're meant to be there.