Over Your Shoulder

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

05/05/2020 20:07 hours. David Rossi’s House, Virginia.

Spencer sat alone on the sofa in the lounge nursing a glass of lemonade. David had made his famous carbonara, as well as some homemade garlic bread, toasted bruschetta, and a classic margarita pizza. Spencer had spent much of the meal with his chin in his palm and pushing the food around the plate with his fork. Normally, David's cooking would make Spencer’s mouth water, but it tasted as sour as his mood. The rest of the team finally looked relaxed, immersing themselves in chatter and wine. David's house was his home too, yet it felt far from it. He felt like an outsider. He caught the rumble of two male voices entering the kitchen.
“It's hard, Dave. He had a seizure this morning when I went to get some groceries. Later, I hear this scream from the bathroom, so I go in. His hand is bleeding all over. I help him out of the shower, and he takes my gun and puts it to his head. He was determined to blow his brains out in front of me. Mel and James are haunting him, man. He broke down, and I managed to get the gun off him, but then he had another seizure. He's so painfully thin. He's not eating. He spends most of his time in bed. I really don't know what to do.”
“I told you it was hard. Perhaps he needs an inpatient rehab facility or inpatient psychiatric care.”
“I can't do that to him, Dave. Not after last time he was committed. I don't even know how you can suggest it! It's hard, yes, but I was hoping that you'd have some tips for getting through to him, not lock him up.”
“I found that bringing him a coffee or some cocoa when he's woken from a nightmare will generally get him talking. He's usually quite fragile then and will talk. Otherwise, I don't know what to suggest. He wouldn't even talk to me. He kept his stalker a secret for six months. The kid won't ever talk to me again after what I did.”
“Dave, he doesn't hold it against you. How will I know if he has a nightmare?”
“Trust me, you'll know.”

Spencer swallowed hard and gripped the glass tighter. Tears burned in his eyes, irritating his contact lenses. He reached out and set the glass down on the coffee table. He dragged his wheelchair closer and shuffled into it. He eyed Luke and David warily before silently wheeling himself into his room that no longer felt like his own. He quietly slid open the drawer of his bedside unit and retrieved his Smith and Wesson. It felt cold and heavy in his palm. He popped out the barrel to check the number of bullets he had in it, then slapped the barrel back into place with a click and tucked it down the side of the wheelchair cushion. He was a burden. That much was certain. Luke and David had made that point very clear. He stole a glance around the room as though it was the last time he was going to see it. The way he felt at that very moment in time, he planned for it to be his last.

Spencer’s attention snapped to the door at the sound of a soft knock against the wood. JJ stood in the doorway. Her blonde hair hung over her shoulders. She wore a black lace dress that reached her knees. Her blue eyes were accentuated by the subtle eyeshadow and mascara she had on.
“Hey, Spence. Can I come in?” Spencer shrugged and stared at his lap. JJ entered the room, her heels tapping against the laminate flooring, and sat herself on the side of his bed. She noticed the gun beside him but said nothing. She reached out for his hands. Spencer locked his fingers with hers. If anyone could break through his walls, it was JJ.
“Are you doing okay?” asked JJ softly. Spencer lifted his chin to meet her gaze. She noted the bruise on his forehead and the fingerprints above his shirt collar. Spencer felt his lip quiver with JJ's usual way of being able to bulldoze her way into his heart.  His breath hitched as the tears broke free. He shook his head.
“I c-can't do this. I love you all, and I love Henry and Michael. I love Hank. I j-just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm falling down a deep, dark hole, and this time, I can't get out. I don’t want to.” JJ had no response. There were no words that could help. She knew it would be better to let Spencer talk it out.
“I have considered my options. I have calculated the statistics and risks of each method of taking my own life.”
“Have you made any plans to end your life, Spence? I don't need details, I just need to know if you have.” Spencer shook his head.
“Not yet. At the moment, it's purely theoretical, but it's tempting.  God, is it tempting. What kind of existence is this? Who would even care?” JJ flinched slightly at the images searing her mind of finding her sister dead in the bath with her wrists slashed.
“Everyone would. I definitely would. Henry and Michael love you very much. They need you, and you need them. I know it doesn't feel like there's any way out now, but there is. No one said this process was going to be easy. Spence, you're a remarkable man with an abundance of strength and more facts and statistics to put an encyclopedia to shame. You're a good man. To Henry and Michael, you're a superhero. You're brave and strong, and you fight off the bad guys.”
“I couldn't fight Mel and James off while they were raping me. I'm not strong. I'm weak.” JJ squeezed Spencer’s hands.
“No, you're not. I couldn’t help Roz when she was depressed and took her own life, but please let me try and help you. You're a guiding light in the darkness, Spence.”
“I'm not. I'm a burden. Luke and Dave think so. I heard them in the kitchen. I-I'm nothing.” JJ shook her head.
“No, they don't. They're struggling. This is new for us all. We all want to help. God, you have no idea how much we want to help. But we also don't want you to feel suffocated. I know how much you pride yourself on your independence. Rossi and Alvez are alpha males, and they're just doing what they think is right to help you and keep you safe.” Spencer buried his face in his hands and wept. JJ shuffled over and seated herself in Spencer’s lap. She pulled him into her chest and wrapped her arms around him. She hadn't realised how thin Spencer had become in the time they had been apart in the lockdown. He was bordering on anorexic. Spencer tightly hugged JJ around her waist, sobbing hysterically into her dress. The scent of her vanilla shampoo and her lightly musky perfume was soothing.