Everywhere, Everything. ★ STURNIOLO TRIPLETS

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

"I should have hit that son of a bitch," Chris growled from the backseat. The words came out almost guttural. In the side mirror his face was split in half by a streak of sunlight, his pale blue eyes narrowed to slits.

We were almost to the Maine state line, and although I hadn't said much other than I'm okay since we'd left Harborough, Chris on the other hand hadn't so much as stopped for a breath.

Matt cast a sideways glance in my direction before cautioning his brothers with one in the rearview mirror. For a second I considered the scenario in which I'd let Chris punch my father in the face. One corner of my mouth ticked upward.

I adjusted in my seat. "It's better that you didn't," I shook my head, "the last thing we need is for that to make its way to the internet." I could see the Hollywood Reporter headline now: STURNIOLO TRIPLETS ASSAULT LAWYER ON PRIVATE PROPERTY. CLICK FOR FULL STORY.

My seat jerked back slightly as Chris pulled himself between the driver's and passenger's seats. "Yeah, because that's what I'm worried about," he scoffed, studying my profile. I wrung my hands in my lap.

"Nat's right," Nick leaned forward, too, "He would have had you arrested. You're too pretty for prison."

Matt let out a breathy exhale at Nick's remark, then rolled his eyes.

Obviously watching Chris Sturniolo get handcuffed and shoved into the back of a squad car wasn't what I wanted, but I think we all knew if the situation had gone any other way, I'd be forced to see Mark again. And right now that felt arguably worse.

Chris mumbled obscenities under his breath before flopping back against his seat.

Funny how just a couple of hours ago I was anxiously awaiting the chance to reunite with my father, and in a span of ten minutes that anxious-excitement disintegrated into anger and disappointment. The logical part of my brain had prepared for that. Always two steps ahead, working through every possible outcome, ready for the worst. Except, I miscalculated. The one emotion I hadn't prepared for was the one I'd known my whole life - emptiness.

Before today I'd found a way to live with the father-sized gap that lived inside me by patching it up with trivial means of affection. From my mother. From Jenny. Anyone who was willing to spare me some love. But now? Now, I understood what it felt like to be hollowed out with a filleting knife. Insides on display for everyone to see.

And the boys had seen it. Whether they acknowledged it or not, they'd witnessed the most embarrassing moment of my existence and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Burning spread behind my eyes.

During the first hour of our drive the boys took turns asking if I needed anything in roundabout ways. Matt asked if I was hungry. Nick offered to switch seats with me so I could lay down in the back. And Chris, well Chris tried to convince me to let Matt turn the car around so he could finish saying what he wanted to Mark. But the truth was, what I needed was something they couldn't give me: my mom.

As strange as it sounded, Daniela was the only constant in my life - even if our life itself wasn't stable. Being away from her the last six months, not speaking to the one person who could empathize with what I'd been through in my life, took more strength than I'd anticipated. I thought leaving Modesto would give me freedom - a fresh start, and in many ways it did, but it also brought me face to face with a fact I'd never thought possible. While my mother was the origin of my self-destruction, the reason I ran from everything that was good for me, I did not - could not - hate her.

Some people were never meant to be parents. She was one of them. That didn't make her a monster, did it?

My fingernails dug into the dark denim covering my thighs. Letting thoughts like that slip through the cracks wasn't good for me, not right now, not when I already felt so outside of myself. Maybe when we were back at the cabin and I could lock myself in the bathroom I'd throw myself a pity party, but for now, locking up the emotion was the only way I was going to make it through this drive in one piece.