Lead Me To Happiness

Chapter Six

how could I've sent that to Facebook? I could've swore I clicked on Cassi. oh my gosh... everybody knows. I start shaking about to go into a panic attack. I start hyperventilating and everything goes black. I can still hear, I just can't see. mamma comes home an hour later and sees me laying down, "Jessika, are you okay? Jess, wake up." I open my eyes and look around, "what's going on mamma? why am I on the ground?" mamma widens her eyes and looks at me, "you had a panic attack, didn't you? oh my goodness. I wasn't here to help you. I am so sorry, ple-" I interrupt her, "MAMMA... I'm fine! you see I'm alive, right? that's all that matters! I'm going to bed now. good night."

I crawl into my bed and get on my phone. when I check my messages, there's three from Cassi. I open the first one, "WTF Jessika? why would you post that on Facebook?" I tear up as I move onto the second message, "Jessika, is this some kind of a joke or something?" then the third, "Jessika, would you mind telling me what the he*l is going on?" I can't take it.. I turn my phone off and go to sleep.

I get woke up by my phone going off. I look at the clock... 3:45 a.m. who is calling me at 3:45 in the morning? I pick up the phone and Kyle is yelling, "JESSIKA, DON'T DO IT. PLEASE." I'm startled, "don't do what? what are you talking about?" Kyle speaks softer, "don't go onto Facebook. you'll have a panic attack."

I put him on speaker and go onto Facebook; I have 23 notifications. they all say that people have posted on my wall. what the freak is going on? I go onto my wall and see things like, "I knew you were an emo FAG" and just the most hateful things people could say. I just stare into the darkness and suddenly I hear Kyle speak, "you went onto Facebook... didn't you?" I hung up and sat up in my bed. I walked to the bathroom and close the door.

when I turn the light on, I look at myself. I don't see a girl with snake bites, plugs, blue eyes, or black hair; I see nothing. I'm a waste of space and there is no reason for my being on this planet. I go through one of the boxes in the bathroom and find Vicodin. I just know this is it... I closet eyes and the flashback begins:

dad and I are in the living room, watching tv. my dad decides he doesn't want to watch tv anymore so he gets up. I could tell something was wrong. he storms upstairs and all of a sudden I hear screams. I run upstairs to see what is going on. when I turn the corner into bubba's room, dad has him up against the wall and is strangling him. mamma is trying her hardest to get dad off of bubba, but it's no use. I run up to him and start punching him, but me being five years old, it's no use also. next thing I know, bubba is on the ground not breathing. mamma is on the phone with the police when dad grabs me by my hair and drags me down the stairs. he puts a gun to my head and takes me outside. he holds me hostage until the police get to the house. when the policeman yells at dad to drop the gun, he pushes me toward the cop and he shoots himself in the head, killing him.

I open my eyes and notice I was crying. I call Kyle but there's no reply, "hey Kyle, it's Jessika. I hope you won't hate me for what I am about to do. I want to let you know that I really like you and I'm sorry our physical friendship has to end so soon. I hope you get to go to Warped sometime in the near future! well, it was nice knowing you and I hope for the best. here comes goodbye my friend."

I hang up and stare into the mirror, once again looking at nothing. I take the pill bottle and open it. I look inside of it and see that it's a full bottle; good news for me. I take the mini coffee maker and brew up some coffee for me to drink. when I get the ice into the coffee and it's all cooled down, I take about three Vicodin at a time until the bottle is empty. I look at myself once more, starting to feel lifeless when Kyle busts through the bathroom door.

he looks at the pill bottle on the counter, which is empty, and grabs me. he sticks his fingers down my throat and makes me puke. he keeps doing it until he can't see and more pills in my puke. he grasps me in his arms on the ground and just holds me tightly. I start crying so hard, no noise is coming out and I can't seem to catch my breath. Kyle pushes on my stomach to help me catch my breath and I just burst into screams. I am crying in his chest and he picks me up and lays me down in bed. he lays next to me and plays Hold On Till May by Pierce the Veil and I slowly calm down. he rubs my cheek and we both drift off into sleep.

I am abruptly waken up by Kyle getting out of the bed. he goes into the bathroom and I can see that he's cleaning up my puke. I get up and go in there, "you shouldn't do that... it's my mess." apparently I startle him because he jumps, "you need to rest my love. we have an eventful day today. go get some sleep sweetie." I crawl back into bed and drift off into another deep sleep.

Kyle wakes me up by shaking my leg, "it's been four and a half hours... you can get up now." I look at him and roll my eyes, "what are you planning on doing today?" he grins, "oh, don't worry about it. just get up and start getting ready." so I get up and start getting ready.

I hop into the shower and wash my hair and body. when I get out, there's an outfit on the counter and I smile because it's my Mitch Lucker shirt with grey skinnies and my No Pity For a Coward Toms and my Suicide Silence plugs. what is he planning? I dry off and get everything done the way I want them and I walk out to find breakfast on my bed. I sit down at the desk and get on my laptop. when I unlock it, a picture of Mitch pops up. I stare at it for a minute then burst into tears.

he was such an inspiration to many people and for him to be taken from us crushes me. October 31st, we were laughing and having the time of our lives... November 1st, we were crushed, devastated, broken, speechless... words cannot describe the feelings we all felt that day. and still TO THIS DAY... four and half months later, I am still having those indescribable feelings. I shut my laptop and just cry. when Kyle walks back in and sees me crying, he lifts my head up and kisses me... on the lips.

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hey guys! so writing this chapter, I actually was crying. I stalked Suicide Silence's twitter and saw the post informing us on Mitch's death and it put an image of Mitch laying in the street after his crash. I started bawling. so then my iPod decided to play all of Suicide Silence's songs in a row. well, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I tried to spice things up a bit. don't forget to vote and comment! I love you my squidgy tacos.<3