Hidden Investigations (#Wattys2015)

Chapter Thirteen

        I'm glad you're somehow grounded, Ashley Cooper . I woke up with dismay. I looked around but there is no one. I drank a cup of water and looked at the clock. It's 6:00 am. Surprisingly, mom is awake. She is standing still in her bedroom with her dark clothes on. She is tracing a photo of me and Lux with her finger but when it reached my face, she tapped on it twice and I had quickly run away before she turned around. I stand in my bedroom with my back against the door, not knowing where my feet are, I just stare at the blank white wall and think about her gesture. It's obvious, no matter how much she loves me as she loves Lux, she will never forget that if it weren't for me walking with her, she wouldn't have died. If it weren't for me, she would have seen Lux growing up, studying, having a life, making  friends, hanging out like big girls and talking to her as her grown-up daughter but that isn't going to happen. She will never know Lux, she will be forever a little girl, a kid, a child. We've never had the chance to see her as a teen or as an adult, she has never had the chance to talk to her about serious problems and events, I've never had the chance to talk to her like a best friend and it's all because of me. How can I live with that?  

      My life isn't as it used to be a month before. Ever since Sasha got killed and I received that tiny paper on the table, everything has changed. My best friend is a stranger. I mean when was the last time Jessie's had a serious conversation with me to see what I'm going through? Has she given up on my complicated life? Emma and Emily are not understanding anymore. I can hear their whispers and indirect insults , I can see their gestures, and I can still see that they intend to miss my calls and ignore my text-messages. Edward has sudden feelings! I mean, really? What is that supposed to mean? He's nice, maybe but he's not that kind of guy that you safely let yourself end up with. He isn't a keeper and soon he'll have feelings for another one of these silly high school dolls so I can't let it be. Mom is acting weird and that gesture isn't normal. Seeing my face isn't that kind of warming thing to her anymore and even if she treats me the same, her heart will never forget what I've done.

        I've never been a person with suicidal attempts. I've never been introvert or something like that. I've always been surrounded by cool mates and friends. Thinking about all of that, I take a look at my bag. I open it and get the phone, that I found at the garage, out of it. I shuffle through the photos again and let the happy memories flow in front of my eyes. I used to live because  these people filled my life with their presence around me but they aren't the same people now so, what do I Live for?  I find the photo with the quote again. I read it over and over again until I memorize it. Death isn't your choice. Your life isn't just about you, if you end it you'll remove a huge part of other people's life. I suddenly realize it's about suicide. I suddenly realize that it's asking me not to end my life!! The person who left this phone is actually kind of supporting me!! Helping me when there's nobody else around!! 'God' I shout under my breath. I went back to bed. I skipped school this morning and easily escaped my mom's simple question. She is not asking questions like she used to. She's kind of given up on me, on raising  me. 

    After lunch, me, dad and mom are sitting in the living room. He is working on some exams and stuff. He's an English teacher actually and a great lover of literature. His desk is full of all these old Shakespeare' stories and poems and other books and novels that he used to force me to read about when I was a little younger but he finally surrendered to the fact that I'm not that kind of bookworms. I only read novels and mostly YA ones. Mom is looking at the TV , and she's looking  not watching, with cold eyes. I pick up my phone and dial Zack but there's no answer.

"Who are you calling?" she asked still looking at the TV

"Zack" I shrugged

"Again? Zack Zack Zack !!! what about Jessie? Nina? Becky? Hayley? What about your cousins? Is it always hi--" she was about to explode but dad interrupted with a strict look directed to her and I know it has a hidden meaning because a normal look from dad would never stop mom .

I look at both of them suspiciously and leave to my bedroom. On my way, I decide to stop and try to overhear something.

"What were you about to do? Are you out of your mind, Lily?" he shouted under his breath

"What do you expect me to do? Let him break her heart?" she said in a hushed tone but dad gave no answer

        What is that, seriously? Why does she think that Zack will break my heart? Does she think I don't know him well? Does she think I'm opening up to a stranger? I'm tired of asking questions and getting no answers. Death isn't your choice. Your life isn't just about you, if you end it you'll remove a huge part of other people's life, I remind myself.