I don't know what to tell mom, what to tell anyone cause I don't even know what to tell myself. I should not care, I should give no attention to something like that, he is a psychologist that just popped up into my life adding a huge feeling of foolishness and humiliation then left, I'm the one who asked him to exit my life but there's something that my mind doesn't understand. However, my heart does. He may be a sort of a liar, but he did this for my own good. He may have done this considering it another part of his job but he did listen to me. And did it help? Yes! I'm not stupid to tell myself that I would have faced all of these troubles by myself.
I loved Lux and I lost her, I still love her and I still see her. Sometimes I hear her voice in my bedroom at night, telling me she's scared and can't sleep alone. Then I feel her warm tiny body between my arms at night when it's cold and silent. I hear her heavy breathing near my ears and feel her chest rise and fall rhythmically. There are nights when I needed to talk to her before falling asleep cause I needed someone who knew nothing about cruelty, greed or evil, someone who just described the darkest people alive as the bad guys and the kind ones, who offer sweets and hugs, as the good guys but I can't help but forget that her bed is empty and that she's become a memory, a powerful one, a huge one but still a memory.
I don't want the same to happen with Zack. I don't him to become a memory. I don't want to remember him, I want to see him, his single-word way of talking, his silent face when he listened to me talk and explain, his thinking face looking at papers and trying to decide what step I should take , his peaceful look when he listened to my favourite songs and the way he joked while reading me my favourite books, all of theses things feel great, they feel warm, the feel real .
"He left you this, Ash" my mother said , handing me what looked like a big white envelope, after a long moment of silence, a moment that passed like hours, a moment that re-played good days and darks nights before my eyes. I realized then that she was searching for it among some papers in the drawer of her bed-side table ."And you haven't even told me about this, either?" I say looking at the envelope with tears in my eyes. The envelope wasn't opened, though.I open it hurriedly and look inside.
Inside there's a CD, some papers and a short story. A short story, a CD and some papers? I think to myself, that's not what I expected but maybe I expected the papers. I take hold of the papers and shuffle them quickly as I walk up the stairs to my room. I lay the papers carefully on the bed, somehow feeling they might be fragile, and lie in front of them on my stomach. As I take hold of the first paper, my heart beats harder, scared of what my eyes might read. The paper doesn't look clean, or it just doesn't look good, I mean it looks like it was kind of wet at some spots and dried. Then, my heart beats even harder as I realize they might have been his tears! It is a poem!! The words are written in short lines in the middle of the paper:
I can see the mess I made
the secret that YOU told and mine
that I obscured
I also want to say
It wasn't that bad
maybe it wasn't right
But believe me, it wasn't wrong
the words won't rhyme
If I put it in a song
I'd fix what I've done
If we could start again
The words sound immature
But so did my actions
But you already asked me to step away
and whatever you order, I obey
no matter how hard it is
to see your figure fade
I'm sorry yet again
If I caused you pain
But darling where I am now
is so far away
I'll be there, though
If you ever call my name
cause it's a promise that I made
The words don't make sense. What is that have to do with finding out that he's a psychologist? I mean how can he think that what he did is immature? It's a part of his job, I believe. And where is he now? Far away? I'm afraid of the meaning and I choose not to concentrate on that sentence. But he can't be dead. How can he be dead if he says that if I ever call his name, he'd be there ? Or does he mean that I may decide to go to him?
There are other papers, yet. I move my fingers above the paper and sense it, sense where he has written, where he has laid his pen and spelled the words he wanted to say. I focus my tearful eyes hard to read and start reading.
"I know how hard it is to know that I lied and how it became even harder to know it from somebody else. I don't care how you knew it or who told you, I just care about how you feel about it. The way you reacted, it hurt me. It hurt me how you made it sound like a crime and how you let this tiny mistake erase all the good times we had together. We didn't travel, we didn't hang out a lot and maybe most of the times that we spent were either in a café, my house or yours or just in front of the river but that's the point: seeing your face has been a great pleasure to me, sensing your presence meant safety and talking to you was a chance that I felt so lucky for having and was afraid of losing it. Maybe you have thrown all of that behind your back and moved on , maybe you didn't but either way ,the choice you made isn't being with me. Blaming you is an ability I never had and will never have cause the tiny mistakes that you have is among the things I enjoy. You rushed your judgments, Ashley and I rushed my respond. Maybe I should have just waited for you to calm down, understand and forgive me. So here's a little advice that I hope it'd remind you of me one day: Don't be hasty cause it really destroys (literally) . The reasons I lied about that thing, is that I didn't think it'd be right to tell you that if I want to start a true relationship and I didn't want you to think that I was telling you about it to feel sympathy or get money from your parents. I didn't want to be pitiful, I needed to feel strong enough to be yours and I just wanted to prove to you and to myself that I'm capable of it, that I can work hard and study on my own. I'm sorry if I left you with any suspects about who I am or if I simply confused you. I swear to god, I would have told you but I just needed more time and I guess I never had the chance to tell you myself. Maybe I'll never see your face again but I'm glad that at least I have the chance to apologize , without looking in your eyes, but at least I'm doing this. I'm sorry, Ash. I'm sorry, Ashley Cooper and your forgiveness now is my only desire but maybe deep down I know this punishment is far more than what I really deserve.
Goodbye, Ash "
Author's Note: Sometimes I feel like the readers are invisible. I mean I can see that I have many reads but never get the chance to see your comments, guys. Don't forget to vote cause it really helps and leave your comments, please. I'd like to hear your opinions.
YOU ARE READING
Hidden Investigations (#Wattys2015)
Mystery / Thriller"Do what's right" my mother always said... A normal girl goes to high school ready for her usual classes until it's announced that another student was murdered in a mysteriously. That's when her life is turned upside down
