Things You Said - Series

Things you didn't say at all

Jude... I have to start by telling you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I could never tell you just how much you meant, and still mean to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when it happened. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend, and I was an idiot that night. I was upset because you were spending the night with Daniel, instead of me. You invited me, because you were just being nice. I didn't go because he would be there. Of course that's not what I told you. I didn't even give you a reason. I couldn't even respond to your invite, and now I'm sitting here, wishing I would've gone, so that there was a chance it could've been me instead of you.

I can't tell you that if this never happened, I would've told you that I've spent the past four years of our friendship, madly, deeply, and completely in love with you. But I can tell you that if I was given a second chance, I would tell you immediately. I would tell you that I've been in love with you since the day I met you, back when we were twelve. It's only to you that I can admit, I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, wishing I would've been brave enough to tell you how I felt, and stand up to my dad.

In the four years that you were my best friend, you only ever saw me cry twice. Once when my dad tried to stop us from being friends, and once when I was shot in seventh grade. You were so scared for me, and I told you it would be okay. You didn't believe me once I cried. Looking back, it seems foolish that I would feel embarrassed to cry after being shot, because it really did hurt. It hurt worse than any physical pain I've ever felt. I never told you what hurt worse than that...

Andrew, in tenth grade.

I remember how excited you were that you had your first boyfriend, and I remember how nervous you were to go on your first date. I tried to be a good friend, and give you my best advice, and helped you get ready, but I never told you how much it hurt that it couldn't be me. A part of me hoped that the date would go horribly wrong so that I could be the one that would comfort you, and I would tell you how you deserved better. But then you told me how the date went amazing, and that he kissed you, and that nearly killed me. I only ever wanted you to date me, because I was selfish. I only wished that I could be the one to hold your hand and kiss you. I was too selfish to tell you any of this before it was too late, and now that I'm sitting here at your grave... I know this is the most painful thing I will ever go through. No. That's an understatement. Pain doesn't even come close to the right word to describe how this feels. I hate myself more than ever, because I could never tell you just how much I love you.

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

I will spend forever wishing you were still here, and wishing I had a second chance to be a better friend.