Sugar

Fake News

I sit up, bleary eyed to a sharp pain in my temples. Light filters through the blinds onto Gus' side, which is still softly rising and falling in his sleep. I bite my lip, I'm panicking. I can't remember anything past us being outside and right now I'm worried I've fucked up more than what is repairable between Benjamin and I. Still, his own doing. It would be unfair of him to keep me single and then be shocked when I act single. 

I get dressed and lightly nudge Gus, "Hey... I'm sorry, I have to go." He stretches as he stirs, his big ass biceps and messy hair making me a little conflicted. "Hm? Okay, yeah. I'll call you."  I smile nervously and hurry out. 

I step outside, I have no fucking idea where I am. I call Jonte, who answers after several rings, his voice groggy with sleep, "Yo where you at?" I open maps, "Uhhh.. Erstagatan.." I can hear him get up on the other end. "Yeah I'll  be right there... One second, I'll be there in one second, alright?"

The car ride started with dead awkward silence before Jonatan breaks it. "Södermalm huh? Posh neighborhood." I nod, not intent on discussion, but he continues. "What's his name?" He glances over at me briefly, I cringe, I was dreading this. "Gus." He nods solemnly.

"Y'know Benj-" I cut him off "Doesn't want a girlfriend? Yeah, I know." Jonte is clearly surprised but he bites his tongue. I sigh, "Please don't tell anyone.." He nods again, "I won't. But... everyone knows you didn't come back home..." "Okay, I was out all night then." he chuckles weakly, "Alright sure. You might wanna put on a turtleneck though..." I pull down the passenger mirror to see my neck peppered with bruises, "Fuck.."  

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Thank god everyone's still asleep at Jonte's so I have time to get changed. I decide it's my turn to cook breakfast. I head down to the grocery store on the corner to pick up a few things, the morning air is crisp and salty, church bells toll into the distance. I turn on the coffee machine and begin slicing tomatoes. Cooking had taken my mind off of things, so much so that I didn't even process the sound of the door unlocking until I turned to see Benjamin, leaning against the kitchen doorway with his arms crossed. 

"Hey, good morning." I say, quickly returning to chopping. "Morning.. You stay here last night?" His tone is stern but I play dumb. "Hm? Oh, no. I just got back, I haven't slept-" He steps towards me, his eyes narrowed. He hooks a thumb over my neckline and pulls it down. He scoffs, "Didn't sleep huh?" 

I slap his hand away, my cheeks burning. Silence hangs in the air, I take a deep breath. "I don't remember anything.." "Of course you don't." He mutters, plodding over to the table, where he pushes his hair back and starts grinding a mix. 

I grit my teeth. "I don't. I had xanax." He meets my gaze, unimpressed. "You got up in that dress. That dress, took xanax and drank. I think you knew exactly what was gonna happen and exactly how you were gonna talk your way out of it." My jaw clenches harder, he's dead fucking right.

"So?" He furrows his brows at me, his voice frustrated but hushed. "So?!...Fuck you mean "So?"  "I'm not your girlfriend Benjamin, that's your decision. You don't get to be upset about it when it's inconvenient for you." 

"No. But I get to be upset when you lie to me. When you put yourself in danger and yeah, when you fuck someone the same fucking day. I mean god! Can you not see how that might make me feel like it was nothing serious? Like I didn't matter to you?" 

My eyes well up and my nails dig into my palms. There's a pause as I try and gather my thoughts. I was just proving a point. He's supposed to be upset, but he can't be-

"I'm sorry." My voice is barely a whisper. His expression softens, he exhales, frustrated. "It's okay let's just.. Let's just not right now." I nod, sniffling as he heads onto the balcony. I wipe my eyes and continue with breakfast.

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I've never disliked the feeling of sobriety. There have been times where I wanted to be intoxicated in some way or another but it was never caused by the same distain I'm feeling now. I knock back a vicodin and light a joint, and thank god the others start waking up and mulling around between us. 

There's talk of a party hosted by a friend of theirs from high school. I can't fathom going out, let along hanging off someone's arm all evening at a party where I don't know anyone and barely speak the language. I mean that's what I tried to tell Zak before he spun me around and started singing Just Dance by Lady Gaga. 

Despite his enthusiasm, my reservations about the evening rang pretty true. I stayed with Zak who introduced me to a few people, everyone was very nice but I was just fucking drained. I said goodbye and headed back to the apartment after a couple hours. I stirred a little when the boys got back, and then again when my phone rang at 4am.

"Benji.." I groaned. 

"Did I wake you?" He's clearly intoxicated but his tone is so gentle that it catches me off guard.

"Yeah, It's cool though. What's up?" 

"I feel bad."

"How come?" 

"I don't know, man.. I guess it's just.. I'm tired of hook ups.. I feel so empty and gross afterwards."

I freeze, "You... had sex with someone?

"I'm sorry, I- I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Yeah..uhh" 

He hesitates before speaking up again. "I was thinking about you tonight." 

I scoff. "What? When you were fucking that girl?

"...Yeah."

I'm taken aback. "Benjamin that's awful."

"I know, I know.."

There's another pause. "What did you take?"

He audibly swallows before he speaks, clearly anxious for my reaction. "Ah, just some pills.. some coke.. nothing too crazy."

"How is that not too crazy? What pills?"

"Ecstasy. and some percocets."

"Fuck! Benjamin!" 

"I know, I know, it's bad. My head's all fuzzy and I can't think straight." 

"Are you home?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm home." 

I sigh, relieved but still concerned. "Are you okay? Should I come over?"

There's dead air as he considers my question, understandable, but I'm already sitting up and slipping on my uggs. 

"I don't want to be a burden."

"I'm coming. Lay on your side."

"Ok. I'm laying on my side."