After grieving for a lost love for a very long time a moment will tell you to pick your self up, salvage what is left of you and finally rebuild the courage to move forward.
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My world impedes as my hands trembles reading her letter beautifully written in her favorite green colored ink.
Kiel,
I don’t have the heart to tell this personally so I decided to say it in this letter. I’m leaving. I don’t know when will I come back nor will I ever. I know this is so coward of me but I have to do it this way. We often talked about our dreams, our goals in life and our future as we grow old. I’m sorry I cannot fulfill any of it. I’m sorry. I thought I can face everything with you by my side but I’m weak, weaker than everybody thought I was. This is not how I want for us to end but all I can say is… I’m deeply sorry and till we meet again.
Kisses,
Phoebe
I have no damn idea how many times I read this letter and each time I read it daggers are creating burrows in my chest. If those daggers are real I’d be dead right now.
I put her letter inside the drawer and I get a stationary paper on the top of my bed side table. For some reason I start writing down…
Dearest Phoebe,
UNDERSTANDING. The word is foreign to me right now for I don’t understand why you left me with just a letter. All I want is an explanation why you did what you did and I think you owe me a good one. I promise whatever your basis for doing such a thing I’ll try to understand.
Love,
Kiel
The next day I did the same thing. I read her letter for couple of times and wrote another letter that is plainly written because writing is not really my talent. I tried my best to write calligraphically but it’s the same as the other letters that I wrote.
Dearest Phoebe,
I’m still waiting for your response. I’m still waiting for your explanation I’ll be right here WAITING.
Love,
Kiel
Days and months had past and I did the same thing over and over. For quite some time my life had been monotonous doing this so called madness. I know, I know each day I’ve become more and more insane. People might be thinking why I acted this way well; we were together for almost 6years not so very long despite this short period of time together we built dreams for our future and leaving me is not part of it.
After few months of hiding in my warren I decided to go for a walk to get fresh air just to clear my mind. Walking alone outside after a long time of staying inside my loft seems like wandering in a foreign land so I don’t know what to do. Slow burning sensation rush through my spine when I saw couple having picnic at the park. “This is the reason why I don’t want to go outside the house” I said to myself. I’m stunned seeing happy people passing by in front of me I felt like I wanted to cry but tears are nowhere to be found. I wanted to shout as loud as I can but I couldn’t. It feels like there’s a huge lump in my throat that stops me from doing so. Vast of questions are popping out of my mind; questions that no one could answer but Phoebe. MY Phoebe that’s what I thought.
“Kiel?”
“Kiel?”
“Kiel?”
I snapped out of my deep thinking when I heard someone called my name. I gaze where the voice came from and I saw Daphne (Phoebe’s sister) as she intently studied my reaction. She looked down when she met my gape as she says, “Sorry. I’m really sorry”. I just gave her one forced smile. I stood where I was seated and then I sauntered away. I walked aimlessly and after an hour of directionless walking I found myself sitting at the corner of the rooftop. The place where Phoebe and I used to go when we’re sad, happy or we don’t have anything to do.
“Ahhhh” I shouted.
“Ahhhhhh” I shouted again but I still feel heavy so I scream as many and as loud as I could. I want to release this grave emotion that I’m feeling until tears start to fall in my smooth mahogany colored cheeks. I have no idea how long I sited there and how many times I bellowed. All I know is I drank myself to death that’s what the last thing I remembered.
“Hey? You’re awake! Thank God!”
“Where am I?” I asked sorely. I can’t see patently who spoke but I could tell by the voice that it’s a girl. I jumped out of the couch as I realized it’s really a girl and whoever it is I want to see clearly.
“Hey! What are you doing Kiel? Will you please stay calm it’s me Daphne”
"Apologies Daphne. I’m a little giddy and I fear stranger get into my loft” I uttered sourly.
“I found you inebriated and FYI you’re at our loft not yours” she said with a sneer.
“I’m sorry.”
“Kiel you don’t have to.”
“But I have to. I shouldn’t come in the middle of the night intoxicated.”
She simpers and says, “You want to die, don’t you? Well I’m telling you if you drink too much you’ll not die; you’ll not get sick either you will just waste your money, time, energy plus you’ll be plump; is that what you want?. By the way you didn’t come in the middle of the night coz it’s almost five in the morning.”
I don’t know what to tell her so I just fixed my eyes on the floor and tried my best to remember everything that happened before she founds me but I cannot remember anything all I can feel is the huge hole inside me.
“How long have you been doing this?” Daphne asked.
“Do what”?
“Drinking yourself to death?!”
“I spent my days and nights this past few months inside my rat hole so to answer your question I say, just last night”
“Rat hole huh?” she uttered chirpy as she smile.
“Daphne, I should be get going thanks for letting me sleep here”
“Wait, don’t you want to stay for err... brunch?”
“Your very kind thank you but I have to leave” I said and I looked at her as I close the door behind me.
When I reach home I decided to read Phoebe’s letter. Surprisingly I can’t find where it is. Even the usual place where I used to keep her letter is empty. I search the letter for three long hours but still nowhere to be found so I did what I always do that is to write…
Dearest Phoebe,
I have no Idea how to put it into words. Up to this day pain is apparent and I can still imagine you, your smile and laugh that comforts me each days that we’re together. The letter that you left me, I memorized it by heart and now that it’s gone maybe just maybe it’s time for me to let you go. For as much as I don’t want to do it I think I should. It is hard Phoeb, it’s harder than you could imagine but there is no point writing letters without any assurance that you’ll receive it wherever you are. There’s no point to wait for your call in the middle of the night or for your explanation why you did what you did; just like there’s no point for me to waste my life waiting for you.
I want to hold on to our promises and dreams till the end but I can’t I have a life ahead of me and I should fix whatever is left of this life. I know this is what you would want for me to do. Thank you for all the memories and it’s not goodbye Phoeb just see you at the other side.
Love,
Kiel
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S is for Story about You and Me
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