Serenity

The Iceberg

Feeling nausea rise again; Rose wished to argue that the beading of her dress was digging into her chest and shoulders like small tacks. The hairpins stabbed at her head. The corset squeezed at her as though it was a hand, coming round her mouth to cease the last breaths from her and still, within her fiance's eyes, she found the flames of desire burning frighteningly high like the flames of hell. Since the church service that morning, he seemed to have been in an excellent mood, taking liberties to compliment her at every turn. Feeling the need to express his gratitude for meeting her. Something untoward had transpired between him and her mother, she was sure of it. Dinner was going to be the most horrendous affair, and she still felt a shadow of her former self, with Jack still sat front and centre in her mind. 

Rose truly had a way out, but one that was harder to accept than staying.

‘’We shall have a healthy son almost right away,’’ Cal had decided before they left for dinner once they were alone with the exception of Trudy fettling with Rose’s earrings. 

''And if I shall not?''

''Then there are doctors on who shall inspect you immediately, but there are no reasons why we shall not have healthy children.'' Cal stroked at her hair, and she closed her eyes, not to relish the feel but to simply wish it away. ''I think that you shall enjoy children, perhaps three or four,'' Cal purred, ''once I have a son, or even two, then you can dote on as many daughters as you wish to have, my darling.''

A ludicrous laugh came to Rose, as she opened her eyes with a watery ring surrounded the green of her iris and then it fell. Cal watched within the mirror and examined her beauty. Of course he would think it was elation. It was the exact opposite. ''I sound to be a prized breeding sow now.''

''No. You are to be my wife soon. And you deserve your hearts desire and I deserve mine.'' Cal’s voice tickled at her ear, his lips approached her cheeks and suddenly the nausea which had been surrounding her, swimming about within her stomach for two hours, was almost let loose upon her bedroom carpet, until she quickly found her way to the bathroom and cast up her accounts there.

Endlessly.

There didn't seem to be an end to it. It came in waves. Leaving her in a state of absolute fatigue. It was only a second before a cool hand was pressed to her forehead and she was swept upwards, away from the bathroom and then, she felt to slip into a state of extreme exhaustion. It didn't appear to be any different from the state in which she lived her daily life. There was very little life left within her. Little life which felt as though she needed to exist within. It was as though every single person seemed to look through her, as though she may as well be rejected from her current status and she would feel very little difference. Suffocation and depression had set in, and as Trudy came to almost scoop her from the bathroom floor, using all of her strength, Rose still felt completely hollow as though there was nothing left within her. Perhaps there wasn't. She had nothing left to give. Nothing to even say. Time seemed to stand still for the remainder of the length that Cal waited for her to be simply put back together like the sewed in seams of a dress and she was sent on her way to dinner, to sit and eat and chatter as though she was an actress playing the dutiful part once more. It was only once Cal had gone to the Smoking Room with his companions and her mother had retired rather early, that Rose had decided to stay later at the dinner table, barely listening to the chatter but it would be the only way in which she would find some peace; by consuming several glasses of champagne. 

Walking back to her stateroom alone, the corridors seemed to be endless, with the carpet soft beneath her feet and she felt herself wishing to just lay down upon it, even to draw the slightest bit of comfort from the fabrics of it.

At the turning point, where large double doors exited out towards the Promenade Deck, Jack stood, weary and almost grey in colour with the stress of the day. Turning, she was right behind him with her hands by her side and his breathing ceased right there in his damned throat. And then, her facade cracked. She looked distraught. The watery ring which was cradled inside her inner eye shone beneath the landing lights and he was in such awe that it was painful to even draw a breath at any time.