The Shattered Circle

32. Oathbreaker

Midnight crept into my quarters just as the wick of the hours candle flickered out. A fire still burned in the hearth, but all was quiet. I'd paced every inch of the halls of the Winter Palace and virtually worn a furrow in my floor. As the candle guttered out, I found myself poised between two untenable outcomes: either Shira wouldn't come, or she would. I didn't know which was worse. The consequences of the first were more painful, like any choking of a gasp of hope, but undeniably less catastrophic. The second was so unthinkable I had talked myself out of the possibility by the time a soft, careful knock sounded on my door.

Not Melody's familiar rapping pattern, but just as delicate, just as tentative: like footsteps on ground where angel and devil alike feared to tread.

I knew the wisest course of action would have been to let the door stay shut. To lock it, even. I could handle breaking a heart, surely. How many countless widows had I made over lifetimes of war? She would be yet another sacrifice on the altar of the King in Black. And yet...and yet...I wanted so badly to be selfish.

How else could one describe the destruction of everything we'd built together?

The knock sounded again, slightly softer. I could hear the hope dying in it. It shattered my heart all over again. Maybe it was wrong, but it could be the one thing I did right. I strode to the door and opened it, coming face to face with Shira. I gestured for her to step in, moving out of the way with courtly grace. "I did not think you would actually come. Words spoken in the heat of a moment..."

Shira waited until the door was closed. I didn't think you would let me in.

I studied her luminous eyes, reading that strange mix of hope and something more, something indefinable, in their sapphire depths. Was that what love looked like or calculation? She seemed as much at war against herself as I was, her hands restless and fidgeting when not signing.

I don't want any of this if it's not real, Shira signed finally, apparently thinking similarly. If this is a game or a ploy, tell me now. You'll get the heartbreak you want either way.

I reached out, grazing a thumb across her bruised lower lip so lightly it wouldn't even twinge. "I meant what I said," I said softly. "I have already broken your faith too much."

Promise me.

"The word of an oathbreaker is cheap," I said ruefully, well aware of my current position. "You would be a fool to trust anything I say."

Shira hesitated, weighing that statement as she studied me. What do you want from me, Aleyr? If I cannot trust your promise, at least I can judge your intentions.

I sighed heavily. There were so many answers boiling in me that finding the right one was impossible. "I want to live. I want to be present. I want to be close. I want to protect you. I have burned countless futures on the altar of the King in Black as his Beloved, but that is not who I wish to be, especially when I am with you."

Shira's brow furrowed slightly. You have not asked love of me.

"Because it is not some tribute that can be demanded," I said quietly. "Nor would I demand it even if it was. All I would ask is that you give me a chance to prove I am capable of loving you."

I have tried, Shira signed. Every time you have chosen Him.

I felt a sting in my eyes at those words, something sharp and foreign. She pulled back away from me. "Shira, please—"

I should not have come.

I caught her wrist gently as she turned for the door, my heart clenching in my chest as I realized my chance was slipping away, just as the ashes of His mortality had once sifted through my fingers. "Leave if you wish. I know I have treated you cruelly and deserve to be spurned," I said when she looked back at me. "Just know the change you have made in me will not die because of it."