The Shattered Circle

34. All is Soft

Shira stayed frozen for a long moment, trying to comprehend what she had pieced together. It was beyond forbidden arcana, well into the territory of absolute blasphemy and, at least as far as most knew, impossibility. Soul-magic was the realm of gods, yet He had dared even as a man to tread that hallowed ground. How? she signed finally.

"I–" I was about to tell her such things were not for discussion, that I couldn't break down the mechanisms for her even if I wanted to, but the question that came was not the one I expected.

How do you bear it? The hand that she wasn't using to sign cupped my cheek, thumb brushing across my cheekbone. I could feel tension in the touch, maybe even fear, but she still tried to bridge the gap for my comfort.

"I..." Not only had no one ever asked me that question, not even Him, the softness to Shira's expression stole my breath away. "It is...difficult. For so long, I wanted an end to my torment, an end to my existence shackled to Him."

Her thumb stilled against my cheek. But not anymore?

"I still want it," I admitted. "But not at the cost of you, of our time together. It...keeps me here."

I don't want you to die, Aleyr. Shira's eyes shimmered, a hint of glossiness that was unmistakably a touch of tears.

I sighed. "I know, blossom."

She blinked it back and her jaw tightened slightly into firmness. There will be another way.

My lips twisted into a parody of a smile. "If you can see one, your eyes are either far sharper than mine or blind completely."

Shira's fingers slipped back into my hair and she pulled me down into a kiss, something far softer and more understanding than I had any right to expect. Having someone who cared what became of me, how I felt, was like sunlight falling into the dark recesses of my soul. I felt woefully undeserving. I wanted to be worthy of that care.

When she reluctantly let me draw back, I saw a glimmer of tears lingering in her eyes. "What is wrong, blossom?"

You have had to bear that evil alone for centuries, Shira signed. I know it makes no difference in the pain, but I'm so sorry.

No one had ever offered me those words before, that sentiment before. I sighed, feeling the weight of centuries grow lighter for just a moment. Then it all sank in again, heavier than ever. "I chose this, blossom. I bound my fate even as I have broken others'."

You can change, Aleyr. This can change. There is still a spark in you. I feel it every time you kiss me. You care so much. If you let that be your guide instead of the King in Black, imagine the good you could do. You have a choice. We always do. You taught me that.

I smiled sadly, an ache deep in my chest. The weight of my history felt crushing in that moment, like an anchor dragging me down into the burning center of the earth, where Hell's torments lived. "If only it were that simple."

Shira shook her head. You complicate it to obscure the truth: that you know this world, this way of being, is wrong.

"Thousands upon thousands of souls depend on me, living and undead. I will not abandon them to the butchery and backbiting of the Undying Court. They deserve better."

They do, and the darkness will not grant it to them.

I pulled in a deep breath and then let it go in a sigh, running my fingers through her hair. "I have seen what Light does," I said, voice thick with bitterness. "It is quick to discard anyone or anything that does not measure up. You of all people should know that, with your story of the cloister's idea about pruning flowers."