AFFECTION

THIRTY SEVEN

37

HOPE WELLINGTON

I could feel his breath near my cheeks, uneven yet calm. He wasn't sleeping but he was relaxed. He said we are not leaving this mattress before we sort out ourselves. And to say, I have already tried about ten times. Now I was tightly grasped in his hold, not tight but definitely firm. His finger was making patterns on the back of my palm, and despite my protestant attitude, I was starting to feel calmer.

He knows well how to calm me down, clutch me hard, pass two three inappropriate comments to catch me off-guard and if all this doesn't work, talk something that makes sense and force me to think. Something I was doing right now.

My eyes again and again drifted to the bangle in my other hand. I was never a fan of jewellery, and he has gifted me only those. He said jwellery denote permanence and that he used jwellery more as an expression than a gift.

But love has scarred me bad. All because of my mistakes. I know. And so even when right now, everything may look perfect for me, i still have that ounce of apprehensions that is not letting me turn in his arms, and hide myself in his embrace. I am scared one day he'd change his mind. Probably find us not suitable for each other. Or may be he'll stop seeing this sense of security with me.

I heaved a long sigh, and heard him snicker.

"You are thinking too hard. Just share with me whatever you feel. I am sure we will be able to make it better together."

I turned my head, and my face came just a mere centimetres from his.

"How do you plan to make it better?"

He smiled lightly, "Probably kiss it all away."

I rolled my eyes, "I wish you had better solutions."

"Hopeless!", he grabbed my palm and kissed the back of it, "How do I tell you...that I intend to stay? I know living with me is not easy especially because you lo...are my friend and there is a lot more than just the marital commitment involved. And just because of that, we'd have to be more considerate of each other, more now that we have one vote about how we intend to make it work."

This time, I fully turn to face him, and rest my head on his arm. Atleast he realises it's not easy for me, even though for all the more different reasons.

"You think there can ever be more to us than this marriage and our friendship?"

I never thought I'd ask him that, but he seems like he's willing to answer it. How do people make marriages work? Yes, we have a major plus point. We have a bond, and that automatically generates an understanding between us. We coparent Oliver just fine. But is that enough?

All the important questions always ever stop at the concerns of the foolish heart. Like mine do. Despite having everything I love, I can't help but feel bothered about how I wouldn't ever be loved back. Some days, when I am not feeling very kind, I call myself greedy. Some other days, I think it's natural to think that way.

"There 'is' a lot more to us than just this marriage and our friendship. And I am not very happy that you have a doubt."

I shook my head, "I am not asking you to think of my so perceived sacrifices. They weren't that. I was only..."

He keeps a finger on my lips, "Let me complete Hot Stuff! I thought nothing of that. Not of Oliver or of your actions. I am just concerned with your presence and how it grounds me. You...you keep me calm. Like right now, i don't care if the world got hit by an asteroid. My problems seem small. And i felt so after a long time of wandering around in chaos. That is why this is so precious to me, and I can't let you go. The restlessness I feel when you aren't around isn't normal. You keep me breathing. And this has nothing to do with what you have done for me. This is something I feel for you spontaneously. You are getting me... are you?"