Reunited

Crazy

I woke up in silence. Peaceful darkness surrounded me, and this was the first time I experienced full stillness and silence. I attempted to open my heavy eyelids, but they quickly closed up. I tried a second time, and everything was extremely blurry. I was sweating, and it felt like I was thrown into a fire how hot it was. My eyes shot open, and the blurriness faded, and my eyes shaped out a white room and grayish-white cabinets in front of me. I groaned, feeling a sharp pain through my arms. I turned to the left, seeing E.J.

"Hey. How're you feeling?" He asked, his voice calmer than usual. I didn't have the power to answer, so instead I just blinked twice. He got up and slowly left the room, closing the door behind him. This was all my fault. I could've just pulled E.J back when he mentioned the fake Angel. I knew better than that...but then again...I saved him, and myself...
I forced myself to get up, and felt my pulse. It was a teensy bit slowly than usual, but normal. I realized my arms were put into a cast, which made my arms very difficult to move. As I got up from bed, I put on some slippers and walked into the living room, my eyes slightly tired. Everybody stared at me, but in worry and relief. Angel got up from the torn sofa and stood in front of me for a second. She then hugged me, being careful of my casts. Angel began to cry. "I'm so, so, so sorry...That should've been me..I'm so sorry," she said, her voice shaking. Since I was too lazy to speak, I just nodded and stared at the ground. So...whose fault is it? Angel let go of me and sighed, wiping her tears away. Nobody spoke for a long, still moment. I sighed and slowly walked upstairs to my room. It was dull, like the life from it was sucked out. I carefully sat down, and forced my castes arm to get a small photo from my drawer. It hurt...so much. I grabbed the picture and turned it around to look at it.

It showed my siblings when we were younger. Me, Spark, Prim, and Buzz. The details aren't important.. I stared at the photo for a long time. My mind flooded with memories..But all of that is gone now. I sniff in sorrow. "I hurt them" We're the only words I spoke that day. The rest I was silent. The killers asked me if I needed help or medicine. I even rejected Ann's help. I just shooed them away with my leg. I didn't eat anything...I only drank the water Angel provided me.
•••
Webster's dictionary defines the word 'depression' as a feeling of sorrow and pain. The effects are scarring and terrifying; it might lead to suicide or starvation. I felt just like that. I wasn't depressed from the fight- I was depressed from what I've done to my siblings. The question "Are they alright?" Replayed in my mind. Everybody was worried about me. I've done a horrible thing. The king, he forced me to kill them. Just hurting them was even worse. Why couldn't I have just denied the order and not become queen? Running away was my only escape from the throne. If I had taken the role as queen, I would surely only be known as the one who killed her siblings.

My heart's desire was to find my brothers and sister. But God knows where they are. They could've died. Or escaped to an unknown land. The one thing that just hurts me and confuses me is that...
Why did the moment when I came into my house to hurt them, I felt insane?
I kept calming myself down with the thoughts that even if I WAS insane, I still didn't kill them.

Night came, and Angel urged me to go to bed, since I sat in the sofa staring into the oblivious all day. I shrugged and slowly got up, my body telling me to sit down again. I limped over to my bedroom, my thoughts still overcoming me. I got in bed, not covering myself with the sheets. As Angel closed the door, a train of thought came over me.

What if...
What if I escaped..to find them?
To find them, and then never see the killers again.

They just might be the reason I'm feeling this way.
The blood...the expressions..
But I can't let E.J down...

I'll leave tomorrow morning.