I turn on the water; first hot, then cold. I sit down in the tub as the water fills it up, the water level slowly rising higher. I play with the water's temperature until I get it where I want it- really cold, but not so cold that I can't stand it.
When the tub is 3/4 of the way filled I lean back and rest my head on the end opposite the faucet. My hand reaches out and grabs an object off of the side of the tub. I gaze at it, almost unseeing. I just slide the metal across my arms, making three sets of five tally marks on each arm, and then I drop the object into the water. The blood from my arms, which are now resting on the sides of the tub, drips down and forms these neat little swirls in the water.
The stinging of my arms is kinder than expected but the stinging of my eyes is unforgiving, so I close them. It helps, but the pain remains and the tears continue to slide down my cheeks. Every now and again I open my eyes to see the progression of the clear water becoming tinged, tainted. I breathe in and out slowly, three times, expanding and repressing my chest as much as possible. The water is almost overflowing at this point.
Growing impatient and no longer calm, I remove the object from the water and glide it across my throat.
