The pain in my chest hurts more than any injury I've ever endured. My anxiety puts more fear into me than all of my phobias experienced at once.
My tears have never taster more bitter in my mouth than they do right now.
I'm afraid of failure, and yet that's all I've ever been. I feel as though I'm going to fuck up my relationships, and my anxiety repeatedly screams at me that I already have. I don't want to lose the people I've grown attached to, the people I'm starting to love. Yet in my mind's eye all I can see is their backs turned towards me; I'm just watching them as they walk away from me.
Just like everyone else always has.
For the same reason everyone has.
Because of me.
I'm the problem. I always have been. I was conceived to prevent my father from leaving; he left because of my existence. I was a colicky baby, so my mother thought I hated her and nearly gave me up. I must've only gotten worse as I grew up, because just after I turned 4 my mother abandoned me for drugs; they were her relief from me, undoubtedly. She eventually got clean and sees me all the time now, but it's merely because she feels obligated.
I constantly gained and lost friends. No one stayed. My longest friendship lasted for just over a decade, and now it's shattered down to "friends", but we don't talk. They find it difficult to let people go, even if they want to and know they should. So I'll do it for them.
To Sky – I'm sorry. For everything. I won't talk to you anymore. I won't follow you on any social media anymore. I wish you the best, and I deeply regret hurting you. You didn't deserve anything I did to you. I hope you can forget me, like everyone else.
