hometown « josh dun »

Febuary 14, 2015

Dear Josh,

Its Valentines Day today. But its like one am and I cant sleep because I keep thinking about you. I think I love you Josh because I stay awake every night until one am reading and thinking about you. Your very handsome Josh. I really hope you knoe that. My cousins make fun of me and say that I'm too young to love someone in a not "platonic" way. I asked what platonic means it means friendship. But I really think your one of those people that will be with me for ten years or so.

I stop reading, and take the folder, getting out of the house, because a bunch of my house mates have noticed that I was reading something important, and no one has ever read these papers, except me. Tyler has read a few, and Josh has read a few, but not the good ones.
These are too good to be seen by anyone else. Plus, I'm seeing my brother today. I haven't seen him in ages, because school is harsh, but he's graduating this year, so our parents have made me hang around him more often.
We aren't having dinner together til six, but being a little early wont hurt. I get in my car, which has been passed down from my uncle, to my dad, to me, and eventually to my brother, Sam. The folder sits in the passenger's seat, I feel like it's watching me, and shift uncomfortably in my seat.
The hour drive is torture, because my radio's broken and I can't change the station or turn up the volume, I sit in silence, feeling like the folder will literally animate and murder me or something. I sped up, and slowed down as I pulled up into my parent's driveway.
I knock on the door, and my mom answers, the usual, she hugs me, kisses my forehead, and tells me my dad is still at work, and my brother is up in his room with his best friend. Only she says sister, not brother. Because she doesn't know, that Samantha gels her hair up and changes out of the clothes she leaves the house in to walk around as Sam. My parents have no idea that their Samantha is a Sam, or that their Samantha, is probably making out with her best friend right now, or that their Samantha doesn't want to be called Samantha Marie anymore. He is Sam.
But of course, we could never tell the adults. Not until Sam gets his own job, or until he at least finishes college.
So of course, respecting the fact that Sam is probably getting busy with whichever friend he has over this time, I walk up the stairs, and to my room. The walls are still white, and its all still bare, no knick nacks and clothes, since its now the guest room.
I sit on the edge of the bed, and open the folder again, knowing what happened to me on Valentine's Day.

...one of those people that will be with me for ten years or so. Your one of a kind Josh, because you dont like the music everyone listens to and you dont make fun of me when I read my books and you dont ask before eating my food and you dont make me tell you why I feel sad if I dont want to. You understand me Josh.

What a cruel thing to believe. Fifteen years ago, I thought Josh was the only one that understood me. I wish I never threw my faith at him, so that it would hurt less.

Febuary 15, 2000

Dear Josh,

I'm very happy for you and Avery. I hope you two stay happy for a long time. Thank you for believing someone will like me too someday.

Abby M.

Ouch. On the Valentine's Day of 2000, I saw Josh walking around with a rose, and I thought that it might be for me. I kept believing in that, until I followed Josh after lunch and saw that Avery was his first kiss.
Mind you, that was a lot for a ten year old who believed she was in love with a boy.
My door swings open, and Sam is standing there, wearing his school uniform that he is forced to wear every day. The stupid plaid blue skirt and white blouse looked wrong on Sam. Whenever I pick him up from school, I keep thinking about how much better it would be to see him smile and wave at me in a guy's uniform, the one he's meant to wear.
My little Sam was never Samantha. It makes me sick to think that they don't accept him for who he is. I stand up, tucking the folder under the matresss of what used to be my bed, and hug him.
"I missed you," he smiled.
"I missed you too," I said, taking a step back to look at him.
Him, my perfectly normal brother. Who is no different from any of us. Him, the poor seventeen year old who gets beaten up at school for kissing girls. I wipe my thumb across his cheek, and watch him wince as the skin tone powder comes off, revealing a purple spot.
I almost cry, biting my lip, before kissing over the bruise. "You shouldn't let them treat you that way, Sammy."
He looks away, up at the ceiling. "I don't really care much about it. I'm fine, lets just go out." He smiles.
"Okay," I nod, taking my small bag, and heading out the door with my brother tracing behind me.
Sam turns on the radio, still stuck on the same station I can never change. "Hey, this is Josh's band!" He smiles.
I hit the breaks, nearly crashing into a fence as the car swerves a bit, my heart is racing, and I feel like throwing up. My chest tightens.
"Where we're from, there's no sun. Our home town's in the dark."
I want to rip my heart out of my chest, feeling tears stream down my cheeks.
"Where we're from, we're no one,"
You were someone to me. You've always been someone to me.
"Hey, are you okay, Abby?"
I look up at Sam, and nod, tears still pooling up, but not spilling. They blur my vision, and my nose is clogged up. I wipe my tears away and nod. "I'm fine." I say, and pull us back on the road, trying not to look at the radio. Can't change the station, can't mute it. I'm stuck listening to them, the boys who made it up there, and left me here.
"Oh, I heard they're coming here." Sam says, nodding his head to the song. Instead of hitting the breaks, I step on the gas, and making a turn away from the usual mall, to the place I know always sells tickets.
"Hey, this isn't the usual route...."
"We're going to go see them, Sam."