louis' diary // larry stylinson au

epilogue

17th November 2015

Dear Louis,

Hi Lou... It's Harry. How are you doing? I hope you're alright up there... You can't even imagine how much I miss you, or how angry I am at your father. He's in jail and I hope he gets killed in there for taking your life... Your life was so precious, Louis. You were a diamond, love. Mine. I really hope you still think about me, because you... You're always on my mind. I always think of you before I fall asleep. The sweet words you whispered in my ear, the way you looked, the things we laughed about, the loving moments we shared. I have so many memories... I don't think I'll ever be able to be happy again. Why did he do this? Is it my fault? I don't even know what to think, Louis. I don't even know.

I love you so much baby. Being here without you is hell. Everybody keeps asking me if I'm okay, and I always smile and say "yeah, I'm fine". But I'm not. I'm everything but fine. I feel empty, lost, alone. And I'm so fucking sad, Louis. I'm so fucking sad that I can't even cry. I just stare at the ceiling for hours, just thinking about you and about how sad I am. You were my happiness, and now that you're gone... I wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy again. I don't even know if I want to be happy again. I don't want you to feel like I betrayed you, baby.

I tried so hard to give mum or dad a real smile but I can't. I can't because I always think about you, and I just... I'll never be able to hold you again, Lou. Never. And I can't handle this thought... It's been 7 months already but I'm still as sad as the first day. Maybe even more.

I'm so sorry I didn't go to your funeral, or to the cemetery, but it's too hard. It's still too soon baby. I promise I'll go someday, just not now. I don't want you to "see" me like this. I'm such a mess... I never thought I'd miss you so bad. I even miss our fights. We didn't have many but they were part of our relationship. God, why did you have to leave so soon? You were so young! I never thought your own father would be able to do such a thing. It's all my fucking fault. If we didn't date in the first place, you'd still be here.

The only good point is, I found a job. Well it's not an actual job since I'm not getting paid, I'm just volunteering... I work at a special place. It's a shelter kind of thing, for lgbtq+ teens, who were kicked out of their home. They're all to sweet and their stories are so sad. I'm not showing any pity because I know they hate it but dam, I have to much pity for them. There's that girl – Tiffany – she was born a boy and she still has boy parts, but she identifies herself as a woman. Her parents are major homophobes and are also transphobic. When she told them the truth about herself, they beat her and she was just laying on the ground, unconscious, for hours while her parents were out. A friend of hers found her and instantly told her she had to go to the hospital, but Tiffany refused. She heard about the shelter so she went there. I didn't work there yet but she told me this. They took care of her and now she lives here. Her parents were arrested, of course, but she's still a minor so she can't live on her own yet, and she doesn't want to go back to her old house. She has a lot of money on her bank account and she works hard at her public school, so I know she will be able to have a good job. All of the kids go to public schools because we can't afford private ones, sadly.

I have to stop talking about her, you will start thinking I like her... But she's a sweetheart and always makes me think about happier things. She's always really calm and her voice is still deep but soft anyway. I really hope she will be able to afford the operation, she deserves to be happy and comfortable in her own skin.

I'm completely changing the subject now because I have too many things to tell you. I often go to your mum's new apartment, I really love her. She's such a strong woman. I can't even imagine how much it must hurt to lose a child. I'm already destroyed because you were my boyfriend, so I'd rather not think about how it must feel to lose your kid... The little boy or girl you raised and loved for so many years. The boy or girl who grew up in front of you, who used to call you mummy or daddy. The boy or girl you hugged and kissed. The one you brought to his first day of kindergarten. I know she cries a lot. She always looks at pictures of you, the old ones mostly, but also the recent ones. She goes to the cemetery everyday after her job and I hope you hear her and see her. I loved you but her... She loved you so, so much. The love of a mother is the strongest thing on Earth and I truly hope that you showed her how much you loved her too when you were still there.

She's the one who gave me your diary. I didn't even know you had one! I read it, I'm sorry... I left a few blank pages, don't know why, before writing on this one. It's not even wet, I still can't cry. And if I start crying, I probably won't ever stop. I'll just drown myself in tears. And even though I'm miserable as hell, I don't want to drown. I want to live. I want to like for you. I don't want anyone to be even more sad.

She hides it, but my mum is sad too. You were like her second son and when she learned about your... Murder... She cried so hard. I never saw her like that, ever. She was shaking and sobbing and whispering to herself "Louis... Why? How?". She was miserable and I was just... Holding her. I wasn't crying, I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial for days... I used to call you on your phone every single day just to hear your voice but your mum threw it away after a few weeks. She threw away everything that belonged to you, except for your clothes. She gave them to charity. I think it was too hard for her to see all of it in your room. She moved out because of all the memories, too. And because you were killed there and she just... Couldn't live there anymore.

I saw you, you know. Your body, I mean. I was supposed to go to the funeral so I went to the place where your body was staying before it. I saw your face and I just... My heart broke. I just looked at you, I didn't say anything. I wanted to shake you, wake you up, tell you to come back but I didn't. I just looked at you and you looked so beautiful... It seems sick to say this but you were. I could see your bruises. The bruises on your face were concealed but I could still see a little part of the bruise on your neck.

You father said he never meant to kill you. He was just mad. He said he didn't want to see you anymore, but he didn't want it to go this far.

I don't believe him. The judges didn't either.

Even in the deepest rage, if you truly love your kid like he said he did, you can't hurt him. You can't reach up to his neck and choke him and beat him when he's already unconscious on the ground. You can't fucking do that. Your mother heard everything, but the door was locked. He was yelling at you, telling you he was ashamed of you, saying you ruined his life, saying your birth was a mistake... At every punch, he was saying one of the "mistakes" you made. Your birth first. Your homosexuality. Your lower grade. Your lies.

He's sick. Like, not just fucking crazy but also in the real way. He has an illness. He was violent as a kid, as a teenager, but his parents never said anything because they didn't want to "ruin his life". I hate them, too. It's their fault. I know they're your grandparents but it's their fault too.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just hope you're happy, wherever you are. Maybe you reincarnated into something. Maybe you're in Heaven. I have no idea but I just hope you're happy.

I promise I'll keep your secrets safe.

Harry. x

[a/n; this is much longer than I thought it would be... I wrote it ages ago and, I admit it, I cried a bit. I hoped you like it!! I really loved writing this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it. it meant a lot to me so it also means a lot if you liked it. i know it was really short but it was supposed to be a short story from the beginning! anyway.. comment and vote maybe?]