In Lines Of Love ~ Kimchay

55. To my Kim

《Typos, Alternative universe, No beta reading this time unfortunately》

From a very young age, I always got attention. People would come to me, say they liked me, that they wanted to be with me. And I... I always said yes.

Not because I liked them back.

But because I wanted to feel loved.

In primary school, I was the awkward kid with uneven bangs and chubby cheeks typical nerd,...always trailing behind my group of friends, Tonkla, Nene, Mook, Jay, and Fah. I was never the cool one, never the pretty one. I was just… there.

During lunch breaks, I would watch boys slide love notes into Mook’s bag, or whisper flirty things to Nene in the hallway.

And everyone said mean things to me mostly that I was fat, I am not that pretty, and Fah my friend joked sometimes he couldn't sit with me because I was taking his space....few things cannot be forgotten. It made me realize how alone I was.

And I’d wonder, What’s wrong with me? Why are they mean to me and Why no one likes me? I hated my reflection, puffy cheeks I couldn’t pinch away, a uniform two sizes too small, glasses that made me look like a frightened deer.

Why would anyone ever like me? I hated myself.

Then one day, in seventh grade, a boy in my class niel, walked up to me near the canteen and askedn "Will you be my boyfriend?"

I blinked. My heart raced...not because I liked him, but because someone finally saw me.

"Okay" I said softly.

And just like that, I wasn’t said means things to anymore. Whispers floated in the halls "That’s Beam’s boyfriend. That’s Porchay"

I liked it. I liked being liked.

But it ended within four months max.

He stopped talking to me. I never knew why.

Later, I found out his best friend, Non, had a crush on me too. The three of us never talked again. Just awkward silence and stolen glances.

Then came Mark in eighth grade. A sweet, smiley kid who hung around with Beam. He asked me out. He was basketball team captain. Popular and always around me like a puppy.

Again, I said yes. Again, I felt nothing.

I told myself, Feelings grow with time, right? This is how it works.

But it didn’t.

Six months later, I ended it.

In ninth grade, I confessed to Pete, a quiet boy from the next class who rode the same school van. I actually liked him.

He said yes.

For two months, I waited for the butterflies. For the warmth. But instead, I felt trapped.

I’m drowning, I thought.
I need to breathe.

I broke up. His "Oh…" echoed in my head for days.

So I ended that, too.

Then my child best friend Phu said he liked me.

"I think I’ve liked you for a while" he said one night, voice low in the library.

I panicked. But I didn’t want to hurt him.

"Okay... we can try" I told him.

But I couldn’t even last a week. I texted him

[I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling it]

Then I started talking to Kao, someone I met online. We were together for six months, secretly.