You can let go now

Cotton Candy Cloudy

I stare at the blank, grey wall in my room. I just can't believe what happened yesterday. I saw him. I am sure it was Sebastian's younger brother , Benjamin. I remember him. He was always there when I visited Sebastian. He was a serious and long face child.Sebastian would tell me he was mostly mad all the time and was always looking for something to argue about. I never actually spoke to him but I still remember his eye -frozen glare. His glare stoned my brown eyes with a sharp rage inside. He always did scare me with his glare. Yesterday, that same glare brought goosebumps into my frail skin.  I wonder if he still lives in the same house as when Sebastian died. Curiosity, surrounded in my mind.  I know that he might be in bad ways because of the sight of him stealing yesterday, but I couldn't take it no more.  I have to find out about him. It wouldn't pay back to visit him. I mean after all we both lost the same person. We have that in common. Anyways, I've always thought of him as family and I have always seen him as a lonely, lost person. He might need someone right now. I guess that's going to be me.

I get up from my bed and slide in my jean colored shorts with a sky blue T-shirt. I put my black converse on and headed out the door.I get into my car and head towards the flashback streets I can remember. I drive for 15 more minutes and then the familiar street appears, " Appletree Street".  I park in front of the dark brown house. I  hesitate to get out the car. Well, I'm already here. No turning back now. I get out the car and head towards the door. I stop at the door.Suddenly, the thought of what I'm about to do fills my mind. What am i doing? Why am I here? I haven't even thought about what I'm going to say.I turn to head to my car. Suddenly, a voice grabs my attention.
"Hey, Sarah hold up".

I turn around to find Benjamin at my back.

"Where are you going?"

"I was just leaving " i say knowing that its a horrible response.

"Well do you want to come inside?" He asks with a smile.

I nod my head and we head towards the inside of the house. His house scent enters my nostrils and reminds me suddenly about Sebastian. I suddenly recognize the scent.

"Sweet caramel ehh?" I ask as we sit in the couch.

"Yea, it was Sebastian's favorite remember?" He answers suddenly facing the floor. We fall into an awkward silence. I know Sebastian is a cold subject and i guess its more of a cold subject for Benjamin. But i feel like i need to hear about Sebastian and who would know him better than his own brother. I glare straight at Benjamin.

"I miss him" i say softly.

He raises his head up and glares at me straight in the eyes. I can tell he is feeling hurt right now. A weight of guilt surrounds me and i apoligize instantly for my comment.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" I apologize softly.

"No its okay, wasn't him the only reason you came here?" He looked at his hands in his lap.

"Well i also came for what happened yesterday?"

He stared at me. His face expression looked like he had been insulted.

"I mean if you don't mind telling me"

He took a deep breath and started off.

"Look, Sarah ever since Sebastian died. He took a piece of me. He was my older brother. I looked up at him. He showed me the good in life. He taught me to do the good. But when he left he took my good with him. He left me and nobody was there to teach me the good so i had to learn the bad. And well i guess that explains yesterday "

"Well you should of found me and i would of helped you when Sebastian died" i said.

"Sarah you don't understand, i hated you back then"

"What, why?" I asked feeling a bit offended.

"You were always with Sebastian, he loved you. He never stopped talking about you. I felt jealous. I felt that you took him away from me. I hated you and when he died i blamed you saying that you took him away from me once again."

I felt rage growing inside. How could he blame me for Sebastian's death? Does he think it was my fault? Doesn't he know i would've never wanted him to die?

"Don't blame me, you were the one always serious. You made his life freakin deppressing. You were his brother. You were suppose to help him throughout his cancer. You couldn't give him a damn smile. You should be thanking me for being there for him. Cause i did something that you never did. I made him happy. Don't try to act or think that you were the perfect brother because you never were. "
I say suddenly getting up the couch.

" You came as an intruder Sarah. Ever since you came into Sebastian's life, he became weaker. He stopped going to therapy and check ups because he wanted to spend time with you. Of course he never told you. But you never asked either. He died because he didn't get enough treatment. Sarah lets be honest you are to blame of his death."

I can't take it no more. I head to him and slap him.

"Great Sarah, now i see who you really are. You just don't like knowing the truth. Now get out of my freaking house and don't you forget that you killed Sebastian " he said almost screaming.

"You are crazy. You hated Sebastian. You were never there for him. Don't switch things up because we know who really is to blame here. Remember you would always compete with him and when he was sick at home and needed you, you felt disgusted by his cancer and preferred to let him suffer. The fact that he had cancer disgusted you. And yes I'm leaving but don't forget that you are just as much to blame as I am or maybe even more than I.

I walked out shutting the door violently. The sound of the many insults Benjamin was shouting faded as I left outdoors.  I was hurt. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to be dead. It wasn't my fault was it? It was hi and he knew it. I needed Sebastian. He made me strong and I felt broken now. I got in my car and cried half the way. I didn't feel like facing my mom right now so I left to the park.
As i walk through the sidewalk, i realize that i will be leaving to see my cousins in 1 more day. I don't know if to be excited or not. Sebastian's memory brought more doubt in me. I don't understand how Benjamin is. Somehow i feel a biy of blame for Sebastian's death. But deep inside i know no one is to blame but cancer so why is Benjamin throwing guilt. Its over. Sebastian is gone. Nothing i can do about it.
"Hey dreamer "
Joseph pops out from beside me in his scooter holding cotton candy.
He hands me the cotton candy and stops his skateboard.
"This is for you see it seems like you need sugar in your system"

I smile and grab the cotton candy.

"Thank you"

"What's wrong?" He asks looking me in the eyes melting me inside.

"Nothing just life" i say as i start walking. Joseph is beside me holding his skateboard.

"What about life?"
He asks curiously with a worryingly face expression.

"You know the past haunts people sometimes" I say knowing a questions coming up so I decide to cut him off. "Just forget it"

"We'll, if you need help just tell me" He says.

I nod my head.

Suddenly he stands in front of me and holds both my hands. His fingers warm tangled up in mine. I feel butterflies in my stomach. His eyes close to mine. I feel like I can see my future in them. I am definitely melting inside.

"You know you can count on me" Joseph leans forward and he does it. His lips touch mine. The unbearable moment happens and I feel awesome. Fire burns my stomach. We kissed for one passionate minute frozen in time.

Joseph and our lips fall apart after a moment.

"Hey I'm - I'm sorry" Joseph apologizes. He leans in and kisses my cheek leaving running.

"Wait, don't go" I whisper under my breath. "You are special to me"