You can let go now

Big News

Today is the day. I feel horrible as the days go. My cancer is just not giving up on the pain.I just don't understand what i did to deserve this pain. I'm just a girl with a horrible life. Living a storm in plain sunlight. Inside of me I still have hopes that one day I'll be able to go to party's, to dance, to kiss, to date, and just plain have fun. It's been a while since I dated someone. I can still see myself on my last date, the flashback kicks in:

I'm there dancing with him. His blue eyes glittering at me with delight. His brown hair on his forehead. His smile deliciously smiling at me and exploding with pleasure that burns my bones.I loved him. I loved him more than anything I ever loved. He was sweet and just special. He didn't care if I went bald or if I spend the day laying in bed feeling sick. He was always next to me. Making me laugh. Everything changed, I know. As me he suffered from blood cancer (Leukemia). The doctors tried everything they could and assured us that he was fine. He was so silly and happy. It was hard to tell when he was sick or weak. He would always come to visit me in the evening. Every day without exceptions.Until, one day he didn't. I still remember that day. That day changed my life forever.He was found dead in his room laying in bed. He died peacefully and it was like he knew he was going to die. Next to his bed was a note that read:

" You probably noticed I'm dead. Well it was going to happen sooner or later. Please know that I died happily. If I were to live again I would go back to this life i had. Mom and dad you guys really loved me and I hope you know I did too. Mom don't be sad. Please know that you and dad did what you can. You guys really made me lucky. Sarah and to you well I hoped one day I would marry you and have a family with you but time took me by surprise. Know that I really loved you. But now I want you to move on and promise me you will someday have kids. Will you honor my name by naming one of your kids after me. Just like we had it planned. Look I don't want tears, and I just want you guys to live and forget me. I'll always be with you guys no matter what."

I loved him and I don't know how I can ever love someone like I loved Sebastian. Well, life is full of surprises. Today, I feel weak just like I have felt ever since I was diagnosed with lung cancer on March 23, 2009. I'm just holding strong to keep my promise to Sebastian. I will be strong for him. Although it gets harder and harder. I guess I should appreciate my cancer because due to it I got to meet Sebastian. I remember when I got the news of my cancer, I ran throughout the hospital. I was scared and terrified that cancer was in me. Killing me within minutes. I bumped into a guy on my way. He grabbed me by the shoulder bringing me to a stop in front of him and I remember what he told me:

"Look don't run away from your fears, you are blessed to be alive and you need to be strong. If you made it alive today, you'll make it the next day. Maybe the next and next. Did you know that 90% of your life is making it to the next 10%. Will you get to the 10%? Not if you run away. " That guy was Sebastian. He made me strong and he showed me there was more to life than fear. Anyways he is gone now and there's nothing I can do about it.

A knock in my door interrupts my thoughts. I call to who it is. As I expect it my mom comes in the room.

"Sweety, we need to talk" Mom says a slight sadness in her blue eyes strain her delicate face figure. Her hair short in her shoulders and a slight wrinkle in her forehead. My cancer has been a tough battle for both of us.

"What is it mom?"

"You know that you've been very weak lately and well" She pauses as she thinks. Her eyes don't dare to meet mine. " I was thinking you should go to the farm for the fall, you know your aunt and cousins live there and well maybe it will be new for you-"

I interrupt her and give her a hug. Is she serious I haven't seen my cousins for a while and well It will be my first trip.

"Thank you mom, Thank you"

"Now you know you have a week to pack and you also need to do some shopping so I Invited Molly over tomorrow to help you shop. Is that okay?"

Molly was my friend ever since I was 5. I loved her and we were always together. After I got sick her parents moved far and they took Molly away. That clearly added to my loneliness. She came back a few weeks ago and well I wasn't sure what she would think of me so I hadn't had the courage to talk to her. She surely didn't enjoy seeing me weak so I didn't want her to see me like this.

"Mom thanks your awesome" I say hugging her tighter.

She looks sad still and i can't figure why. "Mom is something wrong?" I ask trying to get a clue in her sadness. Tears roll down her eyes.

"Its nothing baby its just that I love you and your growing up so fast and well its hard for me to let you go"

" Mom I'll be back and I love you too"

She smiles and stands up wiping her eyes. She walks to the door and turns around. " I know you do and well I just want you to be happy" She leaves the room and disappears down the stairs.

My mom has always been there for me. She has been a mom and a dad to me. My dad cheated on her when I was 3 and made my mom victim of domestic violence. He then moved to live with his other family and left my mom and I on our own. He never did know about my cancer.Never have i gotten a call or visit from him since he left. I really don't mind. I don't need him and not after what he did to my mom. Life is just tough for us both. We are strong together and we are mother and daughter in the road of life.