Collide with the Sky (Kellic)

7. Tangled in the Great Escape

"You said don't drink, so I'm not drinking," I mumbled to Vic, looking at him with clouded vision. He was mad, very mad. I could clearly see that, even in the state I'm in.

"This isn't what I wanted you to substitute it for," he replied, sighing. "This is worse."

"But it's not drinking," I said, out of my own thoughts, not being able to pay 100% to the conversation. The one I really should be.

"Is this why you've been avoiding me?" Vic questioned with a raised eyebrow.

I didn't respond, I just stared at him with the same expressionless face. But he knew the answer to that was yes.

"I know why you're doing this," he said quieter. "I know you're tortured within. But I won't leave you, I'm here for you. I'm here to help you. Please believe me, when I say I won't leave."

"I believe you," I replied. "But how do you know you will make a difference at all?"

"I already have."

I knew he was right, he's made a huge difference in my life. I probably wouldn't still be here if it weren't for him. But what if he can't help anymore. I'm constantly recovering from whatever it is I've done to myself last. And I soon ruin that for myself, as I have been doing again now. I didn't realise how bad I could be until he came along. Was this my life before? I hardly remember. I just blamed Matty for all my problems, now I have to realise that it'd my own fault.

"Then why am I this way?" I questioned him.

"Because-" he stopped, thinking his next words through. "Some people just have a harder time than others. Some find life harder. For some people, they can go through life happily, without many moments of sadness or depression. They just go by happily. But for others, it's not so simple. It can be really hard, just to get though the day.

"You only get one shot at life, after that, it's done. You won't live your life the same way. You'll be gone. It may seem like a nice idea to just leave, so you don't have any more problems. But you have to think of the beautiful world you'd be leaving behind. You'd be giving up on a chance of life. Most don't choose when they leave, and do much too early. And Kellin, if you keep being this way, that will be you. You'll be giving up on something you can never get back. No matter how much you want it, you won't get back your life. And it's already slipping away from you, I can see it."

Vic took a breath, I thought he was done, but he continued. I didn't say anything, I didn't know what I would. "You're becoming a different person. I know you, you may not see it, but I know you really well. And this isn't you, you can't lose your life. Because you're an amazing person Kellin, and you can achieve so much if you just take in the chance to. Don't give up on life. Please don't. I know all too well, trust me. I know how this will end if you don't take your life into your own hands and do something with it. Because this just isn't living. Do you believe this is suicide? Am I the only one that thinks that you should keep living?"

I remained silent. I stared into his eyes which from his speech were beginning to become slightly watery. I could see it wasn't sad tears, but angry ones. Angry at me. I didn't like it when he was angry with me. I hate to see him like this. I hate this more aggressive, angry side to him. And I don't like it. I want the sweet, caring, clumsy Vic back. Yet I felt so helpless, like there was nothing I could do to bring him back right now. Maybe that's how he feels with me.

"Is any of this even getting through to you? Or am I completely wasting my time," he asked, fed up with my silence.

He huffed when I didn't respond. "I'm done. Bye." He walked straight out of my apartment, slamming the door on his way out.

I never meant to bring him pain. I don't want him to feel this way. He doesn't want me to feel this way.

I do need to stop, but is it that simple? To just stop. I'm not addicted, not yet. But what if I give it up, for good, and it doesn't make a difference. What if everything's stays the same? I just live this crappy life. Is there a point?

I don't want to feel anything.

I want to feel something.

I can't make my mind up, it's a haze. I wonder why...

This is not what I want, but now it's what I need. I need this. I can't stop this. I can. I don't know anymore. I need help, please someone send help. Send Vic back. I need his help. I'll always need his help. I'll always need him.

I let Vic down.

Oh my god, what have I become?

★

I ran down the street. What was I thinking, how am I meant to find him when I don't know where he lives.

I need Vic. I've become sober, I waited until I knew I was, and realised Vic is the only drug I need. But in my haste I didn't think of what I was doing. I ran from my apartment and out the building. Only once I'd ran three blocks did I realise I don't actually know where he lives. And to top it off, I forgot my phone.

When I left I didn't know where I was running, I just was. I just knew I needed to find Vic. I should have thought this through.

I decided that I would just go to places that Vic could be, places I've seen him before. It was the fourth place I went to that I saw him, standing on the sand, looking out into the waves.

"Vic," I called out to him, going over.

"Kellin?" he replied, confused as he saw me coming towards him.

"I'm sorry," I automatically apologised. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't think, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't think of how it could affect you. I was only thinking of myself. But when I saw the pain in your eyes when you were angry, did I realise that I wasn't only hurting myself. I'm going to change, I'm going to be better. I just can't go on this way any longer."

His lips twitched up as a smile grew on his face. I could see the anger was gone. He'd forgiven me for what I'd done. "I'm glad to hear that. I'm happy you're going to try and turn your life around. You really need to stick to this Kellin."

"I will," I nodded. But I knew I couldn't do this on my own. "I need you to help me."

"Of course I will."

He brought me into a hug. It felt slightly awkward as this isn't something we do, it's not something I do, but I was happy it was happening. I still haven't got over what I thought was just a silly crush on Vic.

"Promise you won't leave me," I said quietly as we pulled away.

I knew he'd heard when I heard his reply. "Only if you do the same."

A small smile came to my face. What a rare thing to happen these days! But hopefully it will be the first of many.

"So, you're clean?" he asked as we walked along the beach. "No drugs in your system?"

"Should be right," I replied casually.

"Alcohol?"

"I've gotten rid of it now," I replied. "I did stop when you told me to. Well...soon after."

He nodded, keeping his mouth shut.

"What do you think about?" he asked out of the blue. I wasn't sure what he meant by the question. What do I think about? But when I did think about that, I found I was without an answer.

"I'm not sure," I mumbled. "Why?"

"Have you been thinking about..." he coughed, trying to silently imply suicide.

I was again unsure of how to answer. I've only just decided to try and change. It's not like there's been much time I've been trying to keep it off my mind. "Ask me again in a few days," I joked with a little laugh, though I was serious. I wanted the thought of him asking again, and me being able to say no. Or the fear of having to say yes. I needed some sort of motive.

Again, he nodded. I knew this was going to be hard. But nothing worth it is easy. This time I need to really try. I do. Because I really can't go on this way.

Letme out of this.