Collide with the Sky (Kellic)

12. Hold On Till May

He hasn't been here. He hasn't been here for weeks, and by this point, I've given up.

How am I coping? The thing is I'm not. I no longer care about my old problems; they mean nothing to me anymore. Matty has left my mind, I don't need him. The only one I need is Vic. Vic...

Of course I don't know where he is. It's like he's fallen off the face of the planet. How was it that I was with him, yet never once saw the place he called home? Maybe it was bad, maybe he was ashamed. Maybe he didn't really have a home, maybe I became his home. Or maybe I didn't mean enough for him to show me. But that obviously doesn't matter now.

He left, and his reasoning still confused me, it's what keeps me up at night. Can't he see this isn't good for me?

If he were here now, if he were watching over me, he'd see that he's who is causing this pain and misery. I'm sure he didn't intend for this, I bet this is the last thing he wanted, yet this is what is happening.

It's worse than I've ever felt, worse than all the other times. It's different this time. I feel like I've lost him. Like there's no chance of even seeing him again. I'd kill to see that smile one last time, to hear his voice again.

I just want to talk to him. I need him to know how I'm feeling. I feel like I've lost all I've gained. He's helped me so much, yet it's like that help has gone to waste.

What am I now? What can I even call myself? I hardly feel like myself. Like a part of me has been ripped away.

I loved Matty, I know that. I told him many, many times. I planned on always being with him. Yet Vic, a person whom I'm still unsure of if what we shared was truly love, has left a bigger impact on me. A deeper hit when he walked out that door. We weren't even together for long. I should have seen it coming. I shouldn't have argued. I shouldn't have done a thing, and just let him sort himself out. Not everyone wants others help. It was my fault he left. How can I even look at myself now?

I wish we could talk things out. I know it would help.

At first I didn't even realise he was gone for good. I thought it was like a sort of break. I thought it was temporary. Maybe it is. But I don't believe that myself. Now all I can think is that this is forever. I'll never see him again. Because that's what it's been like so far.

I don't know why I miss him so much. I wasn't with him for long. Though I still wish I could see him again. We need to talk about this.

Thinking about it, I guess he did have a point. I need to look after myself. I need to find happiness without him. But it's like I can't yet. Something's wrong. But what if I see him again? Would I rather him see me happy, or how I am now, and dependent on him? Which would give me a better chance again? The problem is I can decide.

I haven't left the house in a while now. I can't. I'm nothing now. All I do is exist, but it hardly feels like existing. Sometimes I work, but not well. I work less now; they see I can't keep up.

My hair is greasy, and my face unshaven. I'm wearing the same sweatpants I have been for days now, and the same grey shirt. What's the point in living anymore? It's not just this loss of Vic, but everything. I can see now that I'm not happy, and I can't be anymore.

On the day I met Vic, it was meant to be a day of new beginnings. A day to get rid of the old; what was keeping me down. In a way it was. I got rid of Matty, and said hello to Vic. And he was the one who got me through that time up until now. But who was it that got me through that year? Myself, though I didn't do a very good job. It's as if meeting Vic has opened my eyes up to myself, and how I'm truly feeling. And that I can't blame it on others, I have to find happiness myself. Though, here I still am, blaming others. Blaming Vic for making me happy, only to make me realise how sad I am. Blaming him for leaving, and opening up a world of pain. I know it's not his fault, yet I still blame him. I know that I shouldn't do that, yet I still do.