Control Love

understand what it is

It didn't take long for my 'dream' guy to reply to my long confession. All I remember him saying was ' I would never take advantage of you' and you can guess what happened next, I was on cloud nine. 

We spoke every single day, looking back now It's only fair to say that 'I' spoke to him everyday.

We got close, a year went by and we still talking.  The times I've spent talking to him was the most exciting for me. That was all I was looking forward to, asking him how he was, how his day has been and if he was all okay. That much information was enough for me.

He didn't ask much from me I mean he didn't ask anything at all, apart from my number which of course meant the world back then!

I also appreciated how 'different' he was. I know that phrase is over-rated but honestly I mean it. He stole my heart and I had it coming.

Another year went on and things were still great. Were we dating?  Nope.  Did we ever meet in person? Nope. Have we at least spoken on the phone? You guessed it, its another 'nope'.

Despite all the above I was happy I was so damn happy and content with it all. What was about him that made me feel the way I did? I mean I had a lot of crushes before but you know by the end of the week they'll dissappear as if it never happened.  But with him, it was an all new experience that taught me a whole lot.

He knew I had feelings for him, maybe even loved him. But knowing and understanding are two different things.

The years that went by felt like seconds that's how quickly it all went. Oh how I made my heart suffer and hurt I can't even begin.

Third year. There was a time where I've asked him if we could meet up and have a day out you know as friends and nothing more. He gave me the most honest reply. Till now I am grateful for what he said. 'I would not be able to control myself'. Who is so honest these days?  I don't know about you,  but for me that answer was really amazing. 

I am crazy right?  I mean who on earth gets so happy after being told I don't want to see you? He just put it in a way that made me understand and feel good all at once. 

Inside of me however was a different story.  I wanted to see him, I wanted to look at him,  talk to him, laugh with him and just try to see through him. I never got the chance. 

Four years and this is where it all happens.  The love I had for this person was beyond me I never thought a person could love another so much that they forgot to show love to themselves.  That's how I felt about him. I didn't care about myself all I cared about was him and how he is. I lost myself in loving him.

Who am I? How can I possibly force someone to feel what I want them to feel? Dont they have their own feelings and own desires? Its not always about what I want right?  I didn't want to be selfish.